17 March 2011

Asking for Love

Someone you love anticipates your every need.  They try to make everything easy for you, they are always thinking of what you need next.  You never have to ask, they just do.

Someone you love does something when you ask, but only when you ask.  They do not think of it otherwise, it is not important to them.  But, whenever you ask, they do it.  

Which is love?

Some folks are caring people.  They have been trained/taught to treat others with deference and kindness, anticipate their needs, smile, be nice.  They think of others often.  But this does not mean that they truly love well. 

Some folks are not caring people, but when you ask them to do something, they do it.  This does not mean that they love well, either.  

True loving involves sacrifice.  Truly loving means that you are doing something for someone else that does not benefit you, but that benefits them.  And a benefit to you can be that you feel good about yourself.

Love should be part joyful and part difficult, because it involves sacrifice.  Sacrifice comes in the form of putting off plans that you were anticipating because your loved one needs you; sacrifice can just be saying "I'm sorry" and letting something go.

This kind of love knits the fabric of relationship.  The pattern of the weave is one thing, but without true love, there is no fabric at all.

02 March 2011

The Laws of Attraction

Will I find love?  Will it find me?  Will I want it when it appears?  Will I have children?  Will I get married?  Will I get divorced?  How do you know?  Ahhh... a day in the life of a 20-something.

There's been some buzz recently about the idea that men in their 20's aren't interested in love and commitment.  They say that women are succeeding, men aren't.  They say that women are ready for a "man" while men remain "boys."  Hmm.... what truth is there to all of this?

As someone who listens to many of the questions above over the course of a week or a month or a year, I have to say that I don't think there is much truth to it at all.  This is the question I ask and wonder about: what about LOVE?

I've often said that if I were to write a book about finding "the one" it would be called "Patience."  Because that's what it takes.  You just gotta live your life and wait.  Many people seem to expect to "know" that they have met the person of their dreams in less time than they would take to pick out eggs at the grocery store.

The journey to mateship takes time, careful consideration, and above all, it should not feel like a choice.

Here are the few dating rules I give to my clients who are seeking love:

1.  No sex for at least a month after you've met someone
2.  Give anyone you both like and feel comfortable around at least a few dates.
3.  If you feel bad about yourself when you are with someone, give them no dates.
3a.  If you have not fallen in love with someone within 3 months, seriously consider moving on.
3b."Falling in love" means that you know what that means and are not wondering if you are in love.

The right person will...

  • make you feel great about yourself without compliments, but with love and friendship
  • want to spend most of their time with you
  • want to involve you in their life
  • challenge you
  • interest you
  • adore you

Man or woman, boy or girl, that initial connection, that initial love, is vital.  Having a great job, buying a house, having a retirement fund, all of these things are nice.  But it is wanting to love better that turns us into adults.
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