In this World

Happiness is Now

2012-01-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

K. and I went down to his hometown, Grants Pass, Oregon, this past weekend to give his folks a hand in beginning to clean out the house they have lived in for 40 years, the photos in this post are from that trip.

They have a beautiful older home, filled with important things, things that symbolize the memories and moments that make up the life of a family. We kept some of them, and got rid of others, and spent some time together. And I took some time to walk around a lovely small town on a quiet, cold January Saturday, and think about happiness.

Do you ever think to yourself, "I should be happy, I have so much." Or wonder, "Why am I not happy?" I think a lot of people with material comfort do, especially when they are just starting out in life. They look out towards the future, confused and without direction, and wonder, "What is wrong with me? Why do I not know what I want?" I know that's how I was as I tried to see ahead.

This constellation of feelings has a lot to do with not understanding happiness. What is happiness? Should I be happy? Why? And why should I be happy because I have things? How have we come to equate the two in our mind?

Experiencing happiness--because it is an experience, not a thing--has to do with resting in what is important, for you, in this moment. We must learn to let go of what is not important.

Worrying about the unimportant, about things as small as being cut off in traffic, eat up precious life time if we are not careful. We need to take more care in how we spend the time we have. When there is an infinite universe to be explored, why do we waste time worrying? Why fret when you could be learning, delving, wondering?

In every moment, our whole being is filled with a magical, mystical light, the light of life, beating in us--in our blood, in our heart, in our minds--every second, every moment.

In this very second, as your eyes read the words I have written, as I write them, it is there, waiting to be felt, if we will just allow ourselves to pause and, just for a moment, feel loved by and connected to the world that sustains and nourishes our life on this planet.

Close your eyes and feel it, right now. Feel how you are a part of everything. Feel how your entire being is sustained and nourished by the energy around you. Feel how life is love, love is life itself.

Once you feel it, then you can go anywhere. You find that you know what you want, you know what's important, and you know that you are a unique, perfect expression of creation. And you begin to be able to give love so much better.

I wish that for you today: to feel loved and to love. In other words, to be happy.

Space to Roam

2012-01-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

Going away for the holiday is something unique for me, for us. I have to admit that I did not know what to expect, from myself or from the holiday before me. What happened was quite lovely. Relaxation, open blue skies, time to not be a in a hurry.

I have to thank my lovely sister-in-law, Kristin, for this gift. She planned our time with them so well that I did not need to think or worry or concern myself with tomorrow. Thank you, Kristin, for our wonderful vacation!

Being away, being someplace new, allowed for space to see and feel, listen and be awake to myself in ways I haven't been able to for a while. There was snow and blue sky and warm, warm sun...

Time stretched out over the course of our eleven-day vacation. At one point, I even lost track of what day of the week it was! I honestly cannot remember the last time that happened. It all said to me that vacation is so much about not having to think too much, so that one can do things like meander and play frisbee golf amidst sandstone hills...

Or take leisurely ambles through a beautiful, historic town like Santa Fe, just taking in color and light and people.

Or go soaking in hot water and then plunging into cold, relaxing so deeply that space seems to open into something new.

Being in Santa Fe, we of course looked at art and took in so many beautiful, sumptuous impressions. The city is filled with creativity and the thrill that that brings to both the creators and those fortunate enough to partake of their creations.

And there was also so much time spent outside, even though it was cold, because the sky, everyday, looked like this...

Even in the dog park there were interesting moments, in addition to the always beautiful vistas and just enjoying space to roam.

It all left me with a resolution for 2012, that I will be in a less of a hurry more of the time. I'm looking forward to this experiment with leisure, it makes life slow down and soften, and I like that.

Happy New Year to you.

Happy Christmas

2011-12-24T14:34:00.000-08:00

It's always a challenge, to find good times for walking and being when celebrating and staying with lots of loved ones. There are meals to make, cookies to bake, puzzles to put together, and things like showering and cleaning up always make their way in there somewhere. So, I was so glad today to find myself with a half hour before lunch to walk...

I wasn't expecting to be writing here today, but I did walk, and think, and take some photos of this lovely place where I am spending the holiday. So it just seemed to happen. I am in a different place...

I hope to deliver some other lovely photos and posts, but for today I just wanted to share the fine, crisp, clear feeling of this place where I am spending Christmas.

And the delightful feeling of being somewhere new, with people I love, on this special day. I hope you are enjoying this day wherever you are, and that your holiday is wonderful, whatever it may be.

Adieu and Happy Holidays

2011-12-21T21:53:00.001-08:00

Well, K and I are about to leave for a holiday vacation. I expect to be back with stories, photos, and, of course, my thoughts about all of that.

Thanks for reading this past year. Thanks for letting me know when you learn something new.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and that 2012 brings connection, peace, learning, and love.

Best,
Erin

Going Back

2011-12-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity this weekend to go back. My sister was up in Seattle for a work conference, so I drove up Saturday night to spend the evening and next day with her. We grew up there, in that rich green city, when the focus was on planes rather than computers; we skinned our knees and rode bikes surrounded by rain and saltwater and moss.

Seattle felt both different and the same; it is, as always, a city in transition. Sometimes, a city block has undergone such significant change that I become disoriented, losing almost entirely my sense of place and direction. Landmarks disappear, new ones appear, and I feel lost until there is that brief view of water, or mountains, or a familiar intersection, and focus returns.

I know where I am, but not exactly. I think that that coffee shop is just over there, but look, there is a new one. I thought that this street went all the way through, oh no it doesn't. I guess I'll take a different way.

C. and I spent Sunday just walking around, lazily, like we did when we were twentysomethings, when weekend time waited to be filled with conversations, revelations, and trips to bookstores. There were occupy protests and coffee-drinkers; lots of people in layers and Christmas shoppers. And among them were the two of us, talking about the past, present, and future, and being glad to be together.

You can't go home again, so they say, and it is especially strange when home feels like a moving target, a constantly changing kaleidoscope of gray and green and water. But being with my sister always feels like home, and being in a Seattle that feels like my life at its beginning, and not, all at the same time, that felt like home, too.

So maybe you can go back, maybe you can go home again, because home is people, and places, and moments. Home is where you find it. Home is always there, if you are willing to settle in.

Finding a Vast View

2011-12-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

It has now been sunny in Portland for several days, with today fogging over just a bit. Seeing the blue of the sky on a daily basis, what a notion, and how much it seems to matter. It feels like a perfect amount of beauty and bright to get us ready for the final descent into solstice.

I am attempting to implement a one-long-walk-a-week plan, so yesterday, having a free morning, I took advantage of the sun and the cold to take a nice long walk around my neighborhood.

I decided to walk up the big hill to Council Crest Park, a beautiful grassy knoll that looks out over the city to the East, and the Coast Range to the West. It is said that this where Native Americans of the area held councils, hence the name. When you're up there, you can see why. What a wonderful idea, to have important discussions in a place with a view...

So, the walk is no mean feat (yet no real large one either...). and midway through, huffing my way onto a flat street after a sustained climb, I began to think that perhaps I wouldn't make it up to the top after all, that I could just loop around and head back down. Why not? Why did I need to go all the way up there anyway? Who said I had to?

Thankfully, another part of me won out. The part that just wanted to do what it had set out to do, and knew what awaited after just a bit more work. I was well rewarded. Though sunny on top of the hill, fog still clouded the city below. From the park, I could see the peaks of the cascades, and the city shrouded in mist.

When I reached the top, there were only a few other people there to enjoy the splendor. A man sat on a bench with his dog, talking on a phone. A couple arrived and wandered around a bit, taking in the view and cuddling. I myself sat on a rock wall for quite awhile, feeling the warmth of the sun warm the stones and my face.

I was so happy that I had persevered and done what I had set out to do; what I knew I wanted to do.

What is it they say about choosing the road less traveled by? Oh yes, that it makes all the difference. (But nothing about how hard it is to choose it!)

It's Always Sunny in Portland

2011-11-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know the show, the reference doesn't quite work. But, it was sunny today in Portland! On November 30th! I went for a walk to celebrate.

K. and I meandered around downtown for a bit, had some lunch, and then I sauntered myself down to the river. The Sun! There it was. Blue sky! Shadows!

The day make me think that part of the depressing nature of grey weather is missing our own shadow. Could it be? It felt nice to see mine today, as well as those cast by leaves and trees and other folks.

Some days call us more to LIFE; some, not so much. Or, not so obviously. Some days we have to work harder to understand what that particular day (unique and never to be there again) is telling us. There is always a message, there is always something about ourselves and the mystery of life we can learn. Even when it rains, or is just oppressively grey all day long.

But that was not today!

May your day be filled with exploration. May your day call you to discover both life and yourself and then find that it is the same seeking. May you have the chance to feel a winter sun on your face, or, if not, to imagine it. May you know that that is the stuff of love.

Light Steps During the Holidays

2011-11-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

Entering the holiday season can mean a lot of deep breaths. Now, mind you, I actually really enjoy the holiday season, in theory: the food, lights, gatherings, sense of community and spirit. We all band together to bring some light to the world just when it all seems about to go out. I love candles, and green boughs, wrapping presents, and making things (cookies, mostly). I love big hugs that celebrate just knowing someone for another year. But, I also take a lot of deep breaths, because the holidays can, in fact, really make me stressed.

Every year, I am determined to deflect this sense of stress and doom. Around the middle of October I began to strategize about how I am going to organize my holiday emotions into something productive. I will figure out which presents go to which people. I will make simple gifts that we can give to many. I will send Christmas cards, on time, to everyone! I will make lists!

Yet, somehow, all these "wills" seem to lead instead to last-minute Christmas shopping, New Year's cards (during a good year), and food hangovers that last until Valentine's Day. It is an ineffective strategy, at best.

So, this year I am taking another tack: I am going to try to follow the advice I would give to any client that presented me with this issue. That is, I am going to relax.

I am going to stay open to the right moments for things like baking, making lists, and shopping.

I am not going to shame myself for not getting these things done.

I am going to look at the calendar and lightly plan for parties and other festive occasions.

I am going to smile.

Because, most of all, what I really want for Christmas this year is to simply feel good, to be relaxed, to enjoy the season, to have time for gazing and laughing and breathing in light.

How about you?

Thank You

2011-11-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and today I simply wanted to say, thank you.

Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for supporting my heart and spirit.

Thank you for another day on this beautiful planet. Thank you for raindrops. Thank you for red leaves wet on the ground.

Thank you for your laughter, your warmth, your strong arms. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your tears. Thank you for sharing your dreams with me.

Thank you world for another year of life. Thank you for the opportunity to speak and the chance to share.

And thank you for all things beautiful, all things difficult, all things new.

Happy Thanksgiving, and thank you, dear reader, for you.

Looking Up

2011-11-15T13:55:00.000-08:00

There was something about the moment that called for a walk, but when I started walking, all I could do was think. About what I needed to get done, should get done, didn't do... my mind was frantically untying and retying knots.

But then, standing at the intersection of NW 11th and Burnside, staring at the big sign for Powell's City of Books, waiting for the always slow walk-sign to change, I realized that I was absent from the moment, from living. So, I took a breath. And then, as always happens when I take such a moment, I looked up.

Do you do that?

I find that when I look up, I see wonderful, soul-filling things. Things like leaves fluttering on tree branches and falling down; people talking and holding hands; the wind coming up the street from the river.

This is what everyone is talking about with mindfulness and living in the moment. It is not about letting go of the future, but rather connecting with the flow of life. Living in your life rather than living in your mind.

It's about noticing small things. And the feeling of noticing something and thinking, "I would have missed that. I almost missed that!" And the that being a few scattered leaves swirling along the street in an autumn breeze.

For as simple as these moments are, they are not easy to come by. Initially. It takes practice, and it takes knowing how to be quiet, how to lean into the moment.

It's not about finding the perfect moment, but about finding the perfection that is already in the moment, the life that is flowing there.

And all it takes is that breath, those first tries at letting go. Let go, look up, let go, look up. Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying. Don't give up yourself, or on someone else, or on life.

As His Holiness the Dalai Lama says:

Never give up.

No matter what is going on
Never give up.

Develop the heart.
Too much energy in your country
Is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart.
Develop the heart.

Be compassionate.

Not just with your friends
But with everyone.

Be compassionate.

Work for peace.

In your heart
And in the world.
Work for peace.

And I say again,
Never give up.
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up.

Give looking up a try this week, see what you can see. Let life fill your heart.

San Diego

2011-11-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

So, you live in Portland and you're going to San Diego in November. You're thinking, "This'll be great! Sun right before it really gets dark." And you're right, some of the time. My sister said that the weekend we just had in San Diego is about as cold as it gets, and it was downright chilly at times. Gas wall heaters were being figured out and turned on, and a late party turned into a cuddle under the afghan. But, it was still lovely...

San Diego is so different than Portland in more ways that you can count. But they do have similarities. When Portlanders think of San Diego, they see a big yellow sun and think, "Mmm... that would be nice." And San Diegans (at least the ones I know), seem to have the same thought, but where we think of sun, they think of culture. So we're sister cities, cities that long for a missing piece, and see it in the other.

We had so much fun. We played, of course (see previous post!). We went to a fancy celebration at this fancy place. We walked and talked and ate brunch and drank tea and lounged around. To me, this is the very best kind of visit: simple, sweet, satisfying. A very good friend of mine, who I get to see very soon, said once that her favorite part of visiting with friends is sitting around in the morning, talking and drinking coffee. I agree. Especially when those friends are your sister and beloved brother-in-law. I felt lucky all weekend long.

K. and I also got a chance to go the famous San Diego Zoo. Zoo's bring out mixed feelings in both of us. We see animals living a life that is not their own, but they bring us the gift of connection, even as most of us live in cities and seem to want to work very hard to hurt our shared planet. It is not an easy thing to stomach, but we had a really lovely morning nonetheless. So much beauty. One of our favorite things was seeing all the Koalas, but I didn't get any good pictures of them. We did, however, ride the "Skyfari." Highly recommended.

We ended the weekend on the patio of an old-school golf club overlooking the city. It was an apt ending to a spectacular time of renewed connection and fun. I love visiting a different place, it always inspires me. San Diego is a great place to visit and get to know, and enjoy.

I can't wait for our next visit.

Seriously Playful

2011-11-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

Play is on my mind today. K. was mentioning a post about Mr. Rogers that I put up earlier this year, and it made me think of the quote you see above, I love it. And it made me wonder and think about play...

Play is something I personally struggle with. I am the oldest of two, and I am a born boss. I love to plan, know what the plan is, execute the plan, make others follow my plan... you get the drift. So, to find play and make it a part of my everyday life is no small task. Damn. There I go, making play into a task.

We're going to visit my lovely sister and her husband this weekend in San Diego and one of the many reasons I love spending time with them is that I know we will play. Why? Because my sister loves to play - that is where her mind goes first when she thinks about spending time. This joyful focus is something I have learned from her over the years, and the education continues every time we are together. I need to seriously learn about play. It is a lifelong job.

My sister plays in many amazing ways. She is an artist, a thinker, and the person you want to have around if your life needs a little more zest. She has certainly added a lot to mine. When my mind is saying, "What should I get done right now?" Her mind is saying, "What could I do right now?" A subtle, but important difference. (We all need both!)

One way that I incorporate more play into my life is to literally 1) take a minute to physically shake off stress, 2) blink my eyes really fast for a second, and 3) look around and ask myself the question, what could I do right now that would make me smile?

May you have a playful weekend. Try turning a task into something fun. Wait, that sounds familiar. How does the song go?

In ev'ry job that must be done
There is an element of fun
You find the fun and snap!
The job's a game
And ev'ry task you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A lark! A spree!
It's very clear to me
That a...
Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
The medicine go down-wown
The medicine go down
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
In a most delightful way

Admit it, you want to go listen to it right now.... May your weekend be delight-filled!

The Pace of Nature

2011-10-31T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am blessed with great, kind, generous friends. Some of these people, I met on my own, through college, work, or simply living life.   Others, through my best friend, my husband. This past weekend, we had the pleasure of spending time with some of those friends, two of our best friends, at a house on a lake in central Oregon.

We had an unexpectedly glorious day, and took a leisurely drive to the house, stopping for lunch and then, even though we thought about just sitting and taking in the afternoon on the deck, walking over to the lake.

Walking to the lake sounds very romantic and picturesque. And it was, at times... But the lake is man made, and most of our walk consisted of walking along the muddy lake bottom, now that the water is down. It got a little slippery, and sticky, and gloppy, but we made our way down about a mile or so and back, and by the time we were walking on the road back to the house, the sun was bright and the sky and the evening ahead felt big and welcoming.

After our gloppy, slippery walk, we had a great night, playing games, eating wonderful food from my new cookbook, and talking about life and our lives. And laughing.

Life isn't always perfect, but when I feel connected to someone else, when I feel able to love them and be loved, everything else falls away, and there is peace and hope and the next moment to live.

Life, especially this modern life, feels to me to be so full of reasons to be upset, afraid, or hurt. But, most of the time, when we feel afraid, isn't it really because we are disconnected from ourselves and our own truth? Seeking that truth is a constant work, but isn't that seeking what creates the life worth living?

When we don't give up on seeking within ourselves, we are more likely to find others who are living real lives, and to connect with them. And to have those wonderful evenings, weekends, talks, and walks. May your week be filled with hope and connection, and love.

*Quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Honeymoon Cabin

2011-10-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I have something special of mine to share today, and it comes with, as with all things worth sharing, a bit of a story.

There are people who come into your life and then are a part of it from then on, like streams flowing into a river that flows into the sea. And there are things like that too, at least for me. The little book you see above is actually both.

When I was single and living in Seattle, in the throes of my quarter-century ordeals, I used to wander around junk shops to pass the time on lonely Saturday afternoons (pass the time? having time? what was that like?). It was a comfort activity, something I often did with my family growing up, an activity that felt sure. I feel confident that in a junk store - as long as it is not too junky - I will find a treasure, a moment of beauty. Maybe I'll buy it, maybe not, but I almost always see something interesting, full of history and time.

I imagine that on the day I found this little photo book, it was raining, and I was in Ballard, a neighborhood in Seattle, roaming around with my heart in my stomach, berating myself for not doing the right things, for not knowing who I was. Oh, those were the days.

But on this particular day, I found something unexpected. Along with something beautiful to look at and touch, I found two new people, and they have been with me ever since.

It would be kind of strange to call them 'friends,' but that's what they feel like. I found their beautiful love book in a drawer full of old postcards. I bought it for $5 and felt like a thief.

The book is a love story, seeming to have been made by him and given to her. It tells the story of two people who were in love for a long time, and then finally able to be together, and how glad this made them both. You can see in each picture how they delighted in each other, how much fun they had together; the photos show the timelessness of true connection.

I don't know their names or where they lived, but their little book has traveled with me through many moves and life changes. I bring it out sometimes when we have people over, when the night has reached a time for sharing.

K. and I look at the book and wonder "Where are they in this photo?", "Who do you think that is?" He said the other day that it was too bad that they didn't write down more details about the photos, but I think that just adds to the mystery. Besides, they didn't need to, because when it was made, the only people who mattered already knew.

Their story has inspired me over the years many times. I see in them the love, friendship, and constancy I now know to be a part of long-term togetherness. I hope that their extended courtship led to a long, happy life together. Little did they know that their memento would add so much to someone else's life. I hope you enjoy it, too.

{5 Questions} How Do You Create?

2011-10-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

How do you create? If your answer is, "I don't," then this is a great time to ask yourself a few pointed questions about that fact. (I bet you're wrong.) Creating is essential to a happy, authentic life, and it's for everyone, the more the better.

1. Do you think "being creative" is just for those few "creative people"?

In this context, I am talking about everything from painting to creating an experience that can be as simple as taking a walk around your neighborhood.

2. Do you think being creative means painting or drawing?

Creativity is everywhere we look, and can include so many things. It's really about whatever makes you feel alive.

3. Have you looked around your everyday life to find ways to create?

How about cooking a meal, arranging flowers, creating a cozy space in your bedroom, gardening, planning a trip?

4. What are the things that get in the way of being creative?

How might your routine be getting in the way of creating or allowing new things into your life?

5. Do you often give up when something "doesn't work"?

Let being creative be about feeding your heart, doing something that simply feels free, alive, and spontaneous in the moment.

I hope these questions give you something to wonder about today, and that your creative juices start flowing! If you lean towards a certain medium, take a class, buy a drawing pad, doodle, write, read a cookbook, wander through a bookstore, allow your imagination some room to stretch and play. Go find your inspiration!

Leafing

2011-10-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Fall is striking. Spring brings relief and joy; summer, relaxation, but Fall stuns with the beauty of death and the completion of the cycle. Fall stirs in me both melancholy and an intense gratitude for the experience of being alive. There is a kind of urgency as each silvery Fall day glitters like a melting jewel. I take deep breaths and do my best to simply accept each day as it comes, rejoice in its beauty, let it go.

I recently went for a weekday afternoon walk in my neighborhood. This is a rare thing, as I am usually downtown working at the office during the week. But on this day, I was home, so I was lucky to have the chance to go walking, armed with a light canvas bag for collecting leaves.

When I was a freshman in college, as the first Clinton election approached, I went crazy for leaves (and flannel and big, baggy Levi 501's). My new best friend and I would gather armfuls and take them to the student union, to people's apartments, to the long wooden table at the sorority house we would both leave the next year.

I went to college in Northern Idaho, and on that beautiful Moscow campus there are many many towering oaks and maples, so there were always lots of leaves to be found. This friend of mine was also into puns, so for many weeks I received notes written in purple pen that said "I leaf you" or "Don't leaf me." As many at that age are, we were quite infatuated with our own cleverness.

I thought then that we would be forever friends, but it wasn't to be, and that close, clever friendship turned out to be fleeting. Really, we both changed, and thus went, in different ways. The next Fall, she was in Sweden on exchange. We both made new friends, fell in love, changed. We wrote almost daily emails for that whole year and nothing indicated that it would be the last year of our closeness, in fact, the opposite. The messages were long, detailed missives about everything that was happening for each of us. But the next year, when she returned, everything was different.

Sometimes friendships recover, sometimes they don't. We both made our efforts at different times, trying to honor the two years, one real, one virtual, that we had been so close, but it never came back together.

Now when the leaves fall, I think of her, and of being so young, so full of ideas and thoughts and self-importance, and of rejoicing in the season of death and return when my existence felt eternal.

On my walk the other day I filled my bag with leaves for another old friend, who lives where there is no Fall, and who I missed seeing this year, and have missed too many times. I pressed them and sent them to her with a card, to tell her that I'm glad we're friends, that she is special to me. Because Fall is a time for planting, too.

Beautiful Things (2)

2011-10-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Friday afternoon and I am about to head home from the office. K is getting a haircut and I am tidying up and getting ready to put another week away. I leave today feeling truly satisfied with my work this week. And, something quite interesting happened to me just the other day, something unexpected...:

I felt so good about a session I had with a client that I did a fist pump in my office after they left! That, for me, is a first.

Indeed, I really haven't done many fist pumps in my time; it's not common. I think that the last time I did a such an inspired fist pump was when Once, a wee independent Irish film, had just won the Oscar for best song. (K. was very entertained by the sight of me leaping off the couch and shouting "yes!") See it if you haven't already. Which reminds me... I wanted to share a beautiful thing with you today, a wedding website from Ireland with gorgeous, lush, photography and quite a sweetness.

Style Serendipity

The photo makes me want to take my sweets and row in a boat to a island off the coast of the emerald isle, wear a big sweater, cozy into a rustic cabin with some tea and a biscuit (and butter), find a local pub, wile the night away surrounded by the sound of fiddles and brogue. I have a soft spot for Ireland. Some of my people came from there a long time ago, and there is just something about the place itself, mystical, magical, filled with sadness and redemption, green. If you like movies, another great Irish one is The Secret of Roan Inish.

But for now it is time to cozy-in in my home, in one of the emerald isle's of the U.S.; time to enjoy the weekend, get a few things done, cook, play.

May you have a serendipitous weekend, filled with inspiration, adventure, and hopefully more than a little bit of mother nature, whatever that is for you.

{Photo from its site of origin, Style Serendipity}

New Look for In This World

2011-10-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

If you have visited my blog before, you may have noticed that today it has a new look, especially at the top. If you've visited it multiple times over the past 4 years, you may have noticed new looks here and there, but I hope you'll find this one to be a little more special.

The photo (yes, that's me) was taken two years ago when K. and I were on a weekend trip to Eastern Oregon. After an extremely wet and rainy Spring, we decided to head east in an effort to find sun and some blue sky.

Though we were not entirely successful at evading the rain (especially at our campsite), we had a great weekend in what turned to be out a very unique season. The very wet Spring we were trying to escape had turned Eastern Oregon into a lush paradise. Wildflowers and grasses were in rare form, and we later heard that longtime residents were discovering blooms that they had never seen before. In our hikes around the John Day Fossil Beds National Monument (several different sites in the area), we experienced gorgeous skies, unique and precious flowers and birdsong, and a true feeling for a region we had only ever before driven through, not to.

I chose the photo you see in the header because it captures the feeling I most hope to convey, and inspire you to find, as you read In This World: the wonder and freedom that come with new vistas and unexpected glories.

I'd love to know your impressions of the new look if you have a moment! Thanks, as always, for reading, and I hope you are having a lovely, golden, Fall.

Ruby the Cat

2011-10-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Do you have a pet? A cat, perhaps? Then we might have something in common, because I love my cat... And since I'm feeling particularly appreciative of her today, I thought I would introduce her to you. This, dear reader, is Ruby:

Ruby is 13 going on 14 and fit as a fiddle, a very soft pudgy fiddle. I actually never thought I would have a cat. Growing up, my family was not just a dog family, but an Irish Setter family. [I will have one of my own someday, but I'm not quite ready to impose that on Ruby!] I ended up with Ruby when a friend's cat had kittens. She loved cats and convinced me that not only did I need a cat, but that I should have this particular cat, that she was special. She was right on both accounts.

Now I'm always sad when people say they are not cat-people. I used to be one of you and I think you should reconsider. Saying that you are not a cat-person is like saying that you are not a love-person. I loved my dogs, but the kind of love you get from a kitty is different. It's quiet. Satisfied. So sweet. It makes your heart all melty and warm.

You might be wondering about where her name came from. Believe it or not, people were not naming children Ruby in 1998! I had had Ruby for about a week and was trying and trying to name her. One evening, I suddenly remembered a dream from years ago where I had a black and white kitten and her name was Ruby. That did it.

Kids love Ruby, she is a celebrity among the little ones in our life. She's gotten pretty good at dealing with them, and I have taught them how to put their little hands behind their back while they lean forward to let her give them a hello sniff. This seems to put everyone at ease. Inevitably, she does not stay around too long when the under-5 crowd is present, but she always says hi.

When I got Ruby as a kitten, I wasn't that much more than one myself. Not that I felt young at the time, no 23 seemed quite old. But it isn't at all, as those of on the other side of 30 know.

Ruby helped me so much in those years. She taught me about stillness, exploring the unknown, and about unconditional cuddles and love and just being. She is still teaching me these lessons, as she perches on my lap while I'm plugged in to my laptop, waiting for me to give her a little facetime, a scratch on the head, a tickle under the chin.

Having something or someone to love is so important. It can be hard sometimes, but it is so important to health and happiness. When I was in a very dark place in my life, Ruby was that being, and I'm glad to give her a lifetime of warmth, good food, and soft laps in return. It's really no sacrifice at all.

Golden Work

2011-10-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

Listening all day, is that what I do?

I am often asked that question. Some who ask seem to think that it would be a very easy or simple thing to do; others, the most difficult. I find that they are both right.

Really, as I sit in my chair and listen, I am first seeking being. There is not much to do until I find that. But, I find being by listening to myself, so the work is, in a way, all about listening. And the work is life itself...

As we enter into Fall, surely as the leaves begin to turn orange and red and yellow, the work in my office changes course. Summer offers a certain respite from the usual concerns and stresses of life. Even though one's life may not be truly different, and in some cases even have become a bit more hectic during the summertime, we all somehow seem to give ourselves a break. To be honest, I'm glad for it, too.

In Summer, sessions are often more conversational, filled with updates and thoughts about what is going to come when the season changes and life gets serious again. We are often meeting again after a break due to vacations and activities; we catch up, are glad to see each other again, process what has been at work during the break.

Now, as sure as the sky today is gray and the air chilled, I can feel the momentum changing. New people are entering my practice, ready to work. People I have worked with for a long time are getting ready for the change that comes with the season. Last night, I had my first session of the year end after it had become dark. People are beginning to use that ominous phrase "...and then the holidays are coming..."

Fall is definitely a time for movement and work. Is that why so many of us love it so much? Do you?

How do you take hold of it? This opportunity to take the energy gained over the golden summer and put it into something you want or need, yearn or long for?

What is your work this Fall? How do you take advantage of the movement of letting go? How are you taking the bright energy of summer and transforming it into your own personal harvest?

Unexpected Reward

2011-09-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

Weddings always inspire the silly poet in me. I recently had an experience that was both an honor and a first: I attended my first client wedding. It was so fun. I didn't know exactly what it would be like to see a client I cared about and had seen through good times and bad be celebrated, it was even better than I could have expected. An unexpected reward for the work I do.

So here's a little silly ditty for the happy couple. May they love and grow and love and grow.

Celebration
In Honor of J&B

Celebrate life, celebrate love,
celebrate leaves falling from above.

Dance to music just for you,
then invite someone else to dance with you, too.

Lean in close to a nearby ear,
someone you love, say something dear.

Don't sit and worry about what comes next,
just use your voice, or if you must, send a text.

Make sure that you say just what you mean,
Quietly, loudly, or anywhere in-between.

An Autumn poem, for you dear reader,
An Autumn poem, with a bit of love for the meter.

Falling Leaves

2011-09-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

Fall has definitely arrived here in Portland, and I am enjoying every glittering, cooling, moment. I thought that perhaps, with such a short summer, I would resent the golden season, but no, I don't. I love it.

We have been so busy with travels to see family, or with family traveling to see us, that life has been a bit out of rhythm. You know how that is, right? When you have several different adventures to clean up from all at once? Well, that's where we have been and will continue to be for a while yet it seems.

In all of that business, I have not had much time for writing, but I have been thinking a lot about it. And reading what others have to say. I have to be careful not to let reading take over my writing time. But, I have found some lovely things to read...

KokBlog
This is a blog written by a Johanna Kindvall, a swedish woman who lives in New York City. She uniquely combines beautiful illustrations with stories about food. Each post is a sweet surprise.

Talk to the Trees
This sweet sweet blog is written by Rachael Caringella, a young woman living in Utah. She makes all sorts of creations and writes beautiful, thoughtful posts about life, love, and creating. And her dogs.

Four Leaf Clover
Four Leaf Clover is written by Eva, a vegan living in Switzerland, though now Britain, I believe. Her posts are filled with hope and excitement about living and discovering life.

I hope you enjoy some of these as much as I do. I so appreciate the work of all the writers I enjoy, and am so grateful to always have inspiration so close at hand.

Tuesday Tomatoes

2011-09-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

The air is golden, and so are the tomatoes...

We feasted this weekend on the bounty of the earth, inspired at every turn by how our world shows us what is possible if we just take time to look closely.

A Sunday Feast has small beginnings.

Fall is beginning so nicely this year!

*****
P.S. The bread, or Epi Du Sel, pictured above is from Baker & Spice, the best bakery in Portland. You can taste craftsmanship and love in everything they make. Every good they sell is made with great ingredients and great recipes. They love food and it shows.

P.S. #2 The tomatoes above have been roasted. For this amazing way to make cherry tomatoes even more delicious than they already are, go here: Slow-Baked Tomatoes with Garlic and Mint. (If you have a cast-iron pan, you can cook them on the grill while you grill other things, cut the time in half.)

Treasure Hunting

2011-08-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a family that treasure-hunted, to put it mildly. My father's toy train collection was (and still is) legend among my friends, and our home was filled with antiques and collectibles from all eras, each one either sentimental, valuable, beautiful, interesting or all of the above. Many Sundays after church, our family would take the long way home, winding our way through Seattle neighborhood garage sales, my Dad always asking the proprietor at the folding table, "Do you have any toy trains?"

I remember one garage sale in particular when my mom had found some beautiful, under-priced handmade quilts. (This was in the eighties when it seemed like handmade would never return.)

She could have easily bought the quilts, resold them for more money, or kept them for her own. Instead, she asked the women selling them, "Don't you want to keep these in your family?"

The woman responded that she had assumed that no one would want them, but when turning to her daughter-in-law, realized that she had been wrong. My mom didn't take home a quilt that day.

At Christmas and birthdays, my sister and I, (and now our husbands), always receive a carefully selected vintage item (or a few) from my folks. Maybe it's a book, or a picture in a frame, or some other "find." But it is always unique and special.

I've been having fun rekindling my own enjoyment of the hunt lately, visiting sales with my folks, and perusing vintage stores. I've found a few fun items, and enjoyed the junking process that is finding, feeling, musing, putting back, picking up again, and buying.
(Unless you're my Dad, who knows a find when he sees it and becomes like someone performing covert ops as he grabs it and furtively moves towards the cash counter.)

Looking through a sale or an antique mall can be daunting, even if, like me, you spent much of your childhood walking through them, small hands firmly clasped behind your back. I suggest just letting your eyes dance, letting them find the gleam of treasure.

Last weekend, I went to an antique market on Saturday and a Farmers market on Sunday, and both days I found treasures. I love markets because there is no one saying "buy this!" There is just stuff, and more stuff, and you choose what you like or want, and then take it home. Or, you just look.

I never really know if I've gotten a treasure--food or not--until I get it home. It's when I place it where I thought it would look great, or just hold it and begin to notice more details and beauty, that the feeling of finding something special sinks in.

Maybe my fascination lies how treasure allows my imagination to engage. With food, I imagine what I will fix, how delicious it will be, how pretty it will look. With items, I wonder at the history of the piece, where it has been, who made it, whether I'll put flowers in it. Treasure hunting in whatever form relaxes me, makes room for something that does not "have to get done".

Does it do the same for you?

Happy Autumn!

What is right in front of you?

2011-08-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am pretty darn happy about how much I have been progressing in my ability to cook and keep K and myself (and anyone else who stumbles into our home) well-fed over the past few years. My love of food and cooking can border on the obsessive, but I try to keep it within bounds, and to remember that there are many other things to be interested and to do besides concoct a meal.

I love cooking for many (obvious) reasons, but especially for the teaching it provides. "Learning to cook" is one thing, but the process of finding ingredients, putting them together, and adding little touches is a true teaching. It is filled with lessons about life, nature, love, family, giving. And it is full of decisions. Having to face those small decisions over and over again forces me to continually return to one of the mantras I offer my clients, no matter what the issue: What is right in front of you?

When you are facing a problem in life, it is easy to become stressed, frazzled, and unfocused.

Choose instead to look and see, What is right in front of you?

Problems ask for solutions. Stress creates a sense of overwhelm and desperation, which somehow causes our near-vision to become blurry. Have you noticed this? Have you noticed how hard it becomes to see...

What is right in front of you?

Life offers us a tune, a music, a mystery that we cannot completely know. When we get caught up in finding answers outside of ourselves, outside of the moment, stress ensues. Stress ensues because we feel untethered from life, lost in our own minds, where any solution offered has no real connection to the moment at hand.

When you take a breath and try to look at what is right in front of you, you find many interesting things, and solutions that you could not have imagined.

Maybe what is right in front of you in a moment of impossible frustration is not to storm out, but instead to give someone a hug, and then to touch their face, and then to look them in the eyes, and then to say, "I'm sorry I said that."

Maybe what is right in front of you in a moment of despair is to have a glass of water, and then to go outside, and then to turn your face to the sun, and then to smile.

As I write this, a beautiful Friday Portland-Summer evening--gloriously sunny, exquisite--awaits.

What is right in front of you right now?

Lavender Days

2011-08-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday K and I went to Sauvie Island in pursuit of summer's bounty, or, at the very least, some lavender. Sauvie Island is an agricultural oasis just outside of Portland; it is a fun place to visit.

I had found a u-cut lavender farm and had my mind set on holding some of those luscious purple bunches in my hands. I am dreaming of teas made with lavender and lemon verbena; petals thrown into desserts and simple syrup; and just having the smell around the house. The smell...!

Cutting lavender has to be one of the most inherently relaxing activities you could do. As soon as we got out of the car, the smell of the field came full force. I found myself lifting my nose in the air, trying to take it all in with big gulps and sniffs. I could feel my heart relax as I sat down in the field to begin cutting. It felt like it was smiling and thanking me for bringing it to this special place.

The word lavender is thought to have come from the Latin word lavare, to wash. And wash and clean it does, body, mind, and soul.

K and I have different methods of cutting, and after making our way around to the different areas of the garden (they have four different kinds available for cutting), we ended up with two wonderful purple bundles. We took these home with some plums and cherries, too...

We found a few other treasures along the way, including delicious heirloom tomatoes from Bella Organic Farm. We also discovered Cistus, a incredible "design nursery" teeming with interesting and happy plants. You can feel the love that the owners have for their plants when walking around the carefully sculpted grounds. Each plants seems to be thriving, carefully placed in just the right spot.

Weekends are hard for me sometimes, are they for you?

On the one hand, I am thinking of everything I could get done over the weekend. I think of chores, things that need to be organized and taken care of. But then I am also so longing for fun. I want beautiful, soul-filling experiences that refresh me for the week ahead. It's a hard balance to find a lot of the time, but so important to keep trying!

This weekend we found that nice balance, accomplishing a few vital tasks, and still finding time to be in a lavender field; bake a dessert filled with fresh plums, blueberries, and lavender petals; and enjoy a few meals outside while the time is still ripe.

Time does feel that way towards the end of the summer: ripe. Ripe for the taking. Other things can wait when there is sun in the sky and color on the ground and lavender to be smelled.... don't you think?

Standing in the Wind

2011-08-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thinking about movement and wind. It certainly seems like things are moving fast, that chaos is all around, and most of us cannot help but feel afraid and very uncertain about the future.

The whole situation reminds me of wind, and of a very windy place I visited on my vacation: the beautiful Cape Blanco...

Cape Blanco is a state park and campground outside of Port Orford on the Southern Oregon Coast. It was so windy there, both in town and at our campsite. Cape Blanco is the Westernmost point in Oregon. The Cape hangs out into the sea, all to itself, with a lighthouse at the end.

The wind whips across the cape day and night; whips through the camp; whips over the hillside where the lighthouse stands; whips across fields that lead to the sea. There were times, I admit, when we wished, very much, that it would stop.

But, by the end of our time there, I felt cleansed. I felt brushed clean of all the little bits of stress and worry that tend to grab hold in daily life. It's rather hard to find a good cleansing wind on a daily basis. And to find the time to stand in it....

...and perhaps watch a sunset.

These winds of change are challenging and scary, but they give us a chance to stand on our feet...

to feel what it is to stand still in the midst of movement...

to stand still despite movement... and to see what happens in that stillness.

Maybe in the stillness we find something new and unexpected; maybe we find something true. Maybe we find a new direction, a new way to go.

Maybe we emerge cleansed and hopeful. I hope so.

Return...

2011-08-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have been away on vacation. Yes! It was wonderful. We hit some Oregon highlights, with a trip down the Rogue River, two nights on the Oregon Coast outside of Port Orford, and then a weekend at a house on the North-Central Coast with some good friends. Lots of water and wind.

Now, I am back and looking forward to a late summer and fall filled with beauty and life. I loved and lived heartily on my vacation and am glad to have returned refreshed and ready for what comes next.

My break was a perfect combination of sun, the outdoors, family, friends, and good food. We decided that this year, instead of having multiple 3-day weekends, we would take a solid week off and pack it all in there. I think it worked.

Vacation is so important. I don't think it can be said enough. We need breaks, time to engage with ourselves, our partners, and our planet in different ways. Time to think and process and rediscover. To to feel the sand between our toes, get dirty, get scraped up. Time to wonder at the beauty and mystery of it all. And then, time to come home...

Hope you have time for yourself this summer, too.

Beautiful Things (1)

2011-07-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd follow twitter fashion and use Friday to share some things I've seen around the Internet this week and enjoyed. And maybe some other things too...

                A beautiful music video and song by a local band

               A new magazine that is excited to eat and be merry

                                                                        A hidden bookstore in NYC

And a few photos from our camping trip last weekend on the McKenzie River outside of Eugene...

Happy weekend to you.

For You, Whoever You Are...

2011-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've spent a lot time today between sessions working on the world of In This World. This fixing and fiddling inevitably takes me on a roaming exotic journey around the bloggosphere. I really have to admit it, I love blogs!

Working to create a better, prettier, blog is fun. And it is fun because a blog is something implicitly shared. I may only have 5 page views in a day, but there is always the potential of what I am writing being seen and shared and (hopefully) enjoyed. And that means connection.

This put in my mind something that the great Ursula K. LeGuin said during an interview I saw recorded live for Think Out Loud last year. Someone asked her about whether all writers write for an audience. Her refreshingly honest response, "Real writers do!"

Creation is a gift to be shared. Whether it is a blog post, photo, meal, song, or idea, creations are meant to be shared with others. And the experience of that is so thrilling, fun, and magical.

A lot of the people who come to see me in my therapy practice are creatively frustrated, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. And with that they have not found, or have lost, a medium for connecting. That lack of connecting leads them to feel stifled, inauthentic, and bored. (Read: depressed.)

Therapy is all about developing the ability to find authentic connection, beginning with: yourself.

What are you not creating today? Where are you not connecting? Look for one and you may find the other...

Finding a Good Guidebook

2011-06-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

When K and I know the weather is going to be clear (not necessarily warm), and that we are going to be home over the weekend, we almost always plan to "go out", our phrase for going hiking, generally in the Columbia River Gorge.

As soon as we know that, a few hiking books inevitably find their way onto the coffee table as Kjell ponders and reads and thinks about what would be the perfect hike for our Saturday.

Kjell is a hiking and hiking guidebook aficionado. We have no fewer than ten hiking/backpacking/camping guidebooks, most of which are specifically for the Pacific Northwest. I used to not understand this passion of his, and thought that finding the perfect hike spontaneously was the true dream. But, in reality, this never happened. With Kjell's love of finding great hikes, the world of well-planned, wonderful experiences opened up for me as well.

As Kjell reads and plans a hike, he takes into account things like what flowers and plants will be blooming, what will be in view, whether we will be in sun or shade. He has an uncanny sense of the land that mystifies and impresses me all at the same time. As we hike, he narrates our route, pointing to ridges, benches, washes, boulder fields, berms. When we arrive at views he breathes a sigh and says, "I was waiting for this."

Kjell's love of hiking is one of the many bonuses of being married to him. He has taken me to so many beautiful places I would never have seen otherwise, and has expanded my own love of exploring and adventuring outside.

We owe many of our great adventures to great guidebooks. I have come to respect them highly. They provide the opportunity to plan, anticipate, and enjoy. Spontaneity comes in taking that side trail, or finding a perfect spot for lunch, rather than gambling your day on a hunch.

And there's nothing like the reward of that big beautiful view, and having got there on your own two feet.

With a little help, of course, from our friend, The Guidebook.

Hope adventure finds you soon as well. Happy Summer!

Peace

2011-06-13T11:13:00.001-07:00

Friday afternoon visit to the Portland Japanese Garden.

So much work
simple perfection
easy on the eyes and heart

The Gift of Magical Thinking

2011-06-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that the idea of magic has become a grown-up in my mind. As a child, I loved, loved, loved magic. I loved princesses, spells, wizards, myths, dwarves, gods, giants. For many years, I thought that all this had to go away with being grown, that there was no magic in the world, that the world was a kind of plain jane. So glad I was wrong.

Magic is here everyday. It is in the beauty of the clouds as they part and make way for the sun. It is in a leisurely Saturday morning meeting-for-coffee-over-the-phone with that rare and wondrous treasure, a true friend. It is in a blog post, well-written, humorous and celebratory of life's small moments.

How we think is so much of our life. A few weeks ago I wrote about how our life is made up of how we feel everyday. And that is true. But how we think, what we think, where we take ourselves in our minds is a big part of how we feel. Hence, the importance of whimsical, magical thinking.

Magic feels so good. It warms the heart and heals the soul. Magic happens between two people when they fall in love, or when they heal from a fight, or find each other after distance has grown.

Magic is a soft landing. May you find yours today.

Examining Our Relationship to Cruelty

2011-05-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

The notion of writing a post about bullying has been flitting around my mind for some time. It is such a huge, important, topic. And now that cyber-bullying is becoming so prevelant, it seems that bullying in general is finally getting more mainstream attention.

It truly seems that the cyber-world is providing a new dimension for cruelty in our relationships. A therapist I consulted with recently called out "textual abuse" in a couple she was working with, who were sending abusive texts back and forth throughout the day. If this is what adults are doing, what in the world can we expect of a 13-year old?

I read a story about middle-school bullying the other day that was so heart-breaking I began to cry. I won't repeat it here, to save others from having the same experience. Or maybe I am afraid of talking about it, and am trying to protect myself. Suffice to say, it made me want to contact every person I was ever cruel to between the ages of 10 and 18 and say, "Good God. I am so sorry."

I think about people who were mean to me and what it would mean for them to acknowledge that at this point in my life. Their lack of acknowledgment certainly isn't keeping me from being happy, but I do think a few "Boy, I was a real asshole to you in high school" 's, would hit somewhere deep inside.

As a couples therapist, one of the most important things I do is call out bullying between adults. I have to come to feel that as adults, it is absolutely imperative that we call out and deal with bullying between children.

To use a phrase I have grown very distasteful of, "kids will be kids." But three years of harassment by one person is not "kids will be kids", it is bullying.

In my time as a therapist, I have never had a client recall how they were saved from bullying only to recoil at the horror of being coddled by a parent or teacher. Instead, my consulting room has been filled with stories of sad, lonely children wondering why no one said or did anything; wondering what they did to deserve it.

Bullying is, unfortunately, a part of life. We seek for power and dominance; we seek to be liked or loved and subject ourselves to taunts in an effort to find that experience; we stand by.

But cruelty should be addressed and stopped as soon as it is noticed. Tell that vulnerable child that they matter by being upset and concerned that they are being hurt. School may not be the only place where they are being bullied, but at least it is a place where there might be someone who cares.

Here's a great article about the effects of bullying, in case you are interested. If you have difficulty with relationships and were bullied as a child, I highly recommend exploring those issues and feelings with a good therapist.

And if I do offer those apologies, I'll be sure to write about it here.

The Living Soul

2011-05-17T17:22:00.000-07:00


Eleonora Duse

"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive."

This quote is by the Italian actress Eleonora Duse, who was a contemporary of Sarah Bernhardt's, and an innovator in the theater.

Her words speak to the experience of presence, and to the meaning of being in relationship with the Earth and yourself.

To seize the day is to live it on our own terms. To find our own terms, we must question our assumptions about happiness, satisfaction, and what is important in life. It is this process that leads us to mystery, light, and love.

As we struggle with problems and trying to solve them, it is easy to forget that life is made up of days, and that the quality of our life is made up of the quality of our days.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Revealing and Revelations

2011-04-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well. Today I found out a very exciting thing, or rather experienced what was quite an exciting thing to me. My post about the book French Women Don't Get Fat was tweeted by the book's author, Mireille Guiliano. I found out randomly through a my husband's cousin receiving the tweet! It all made me smile very big.

You can read the post here:The Food Issue

I haven't written here for awhile, sickness and lack of inspiration have clouded my vision. But today's event gave me pause, and besides wanting to share it here, I wanted to reflect on how my most risky post has been the one I have received the most feedback from.

I have received so many more comments on that post than on any other. Not necessarily on the blog itself, but via email and other communications. It is proof to me of the power of honesty and soul-revealing, and how that resonates with others. I may be 'therapist', but I certainly don't have all the answers. I can help you learn to climb the mountain, but that's because I'm climbin' my own, right over here.

It is a beautiful experience, to allow vulnerability and have it received with warmth and respect.

I am still so grateful that I finally swallowed my pride and picked up French Women Don't Get Fat. I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't. Not a morning goes by where I don't think of the huge change that a nice breakfast shared at the table has made in my life, and in my husband's. And that's just how the day starts.

Asking for Love

2011-03-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

Someone you love anticipates your every need. They try to make everything easy for you, they are always thinking of what you need next. You never have to ask, they just do.

Someone you love does something when you ask, but only when you ask. They do not think of it otherwise, it is not important to them. But, whenever you ask, they do it.

Which is love?

Some folks are caring people. They have been trained/taught to treat others with deference and kindness, anticipate their needs, smile, be nice. They think of others often. But this does not mean that they truly love well.

Some folks are not caring people, but when you ask them to do something, they do it. This does not mean that they love well, either.

True loving involves sacrifice. Truly loving means that you are doing something for someone else that does not benefit you, but that benefits them. And a benefit to you can be that you feel good about yourself.

Love should be part joyful and part difficult, because it involves sacrifice. Sacrifice comes in the form of putting off plans that you were anticipating because your loved one needs you; sacrifice can just be saying "I'm sorry" and letting something go.

This kind of love knits the fabric of relationship. The pattern of the weave is one thing, but without true love, there is no fabric at all.

The Laws of Attraction

2011-03-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

Will I find love? Will it find me? Will I want it when it appears? Will I have children? Will I get married? Will I get divorced? How do you know? Ahhh... a day in the life of a 20-something.

There's been some buzz recently about the idea that men in their 20's aren't interested in love and commitment. They say that women are succeeding, men aren't. They say that women are ready for a "man" while men remain "boys." Hmm.... what truth is there to all of this?

As someone who listens to many of the questions above over the course of a week or a month or a year, I have to say that I don't think there is much truth to it at all. This is the question I ask and wonder about: what about LOVE?

I've often said that if I were to write a book about finding "the one" it would be called "Patience." Because that's what it takes. You just gotta live your life and wait. Many people seem to expect to "know" that they have met the person of their dreams in less time than they would take to pick out eggs at the grocery store.

The journey to mateship takes time, careful consideration, and above all, it should not feel like a choice.

Here are the few dating rules I give to my clients who are seeking love:

1. No sex for at least a month after you've met someone
2. Give anyone you both like and feel comfortable around at least a few dates.
3. If you feel bad about yourself when you are with someone, give them no dates.
3a. If you have not fallen in love with someone within 3 months, seriously consider moving on.
3b."Falling in love" means that you know what that means and are not wondering if you are in love.

The right person will...

make you feel great about yourself without compliments, but with love and friendship
want to spend most of their time with you
want to involve you in their life
challenge you
interest you
adore you

Man or woman, boy or girl, that initial connection, that initial love, is vital. Having a great job, buying a house, having a retirement fund, all of these things are nice. But it is wanting to love better that turns us into adults.

Ink

2011-02-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

I love movies. Saw another great one about the power of our emotional life. It's low-budget, a bit slow to start, but so creative and very rewarding. It's called Ink.

Ink takes on the powerful--and not easy--issues of guilt and shame; how we damn ourselves through our inability to take action in the face of these powerful feelings. It takes on the existential fear that if we face the truth about our actions, we will be destroyed.

And no, destroyed is not too strong of a word. How will we be destroyed? Ask yourself that question the next time you realize that you are beating yourself up over something you've done. Stop beating yourself up and take action. Hard to do? What are you afraid of?

The saddest part is what goes unspoken

2011-01-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

My saddest moments as a therapist often have nothing to do with what's being said. Instead, they are about the heartbreak that hovers in the room and goes unspoken.

She yelled at me all morning about how lazy I was, and then took off for the weekend without calling once. What I couldn't believe is that when she came home on Sunday night, she didn't even want to eat dinner with me. Is that so much to ask?*

If this quote made you twitch, that's a good thing.

What is not being said here? How much it hurts to be yelled at and demeaned. The breach of trust that occurs when one person leaves and doesn't call. How this should call into question the entire relationship, and how the issue should be how this person is being treated overall by an emotionally and verbally abusive partner.

Instead, it becomes about the missed pizza, or not receiving a birthday card from someone who hasn't said a respectful word in ten years, or how someone who yells at you everyday never text-messages back in a timely fashion.

This lack of self-respect, lack of self-love, is the saddest and most heart-breaking thing that I experience as a therapist. It is what is not said, not acknowledged. It is the looking to incriminate someone's behavior rather than weep at your own heartbreak. It is trying to fit into someone's desire rather than draw boundaries around your own heart.

"Love yourself" is mantra we all know. But what does it mean? How do you put it into practice?

One day, one interaction, one relationship at a time. Say no. Say yes. Take care of your self.

*All quotes in this post are completely fictionalized accounts of therapy.

The King's Friend

2011-01-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

I went to see the acclaimed The King's Speech last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. It is a great movie, a fine film, and a lovely period piece with exquisite usage of the music of Beethoven. A fantastic way to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon. But the best part--for me as a psychotherapist--was this: the heart of the movie is the healing power of the relationship between the king and his therapist.

I'm sure the movie will be seen by many other therapists who feel the same way. Here comes a client looking for techniques and fixes when what they really need is love, honest friendship, and to tell their story. The latter is the reason most of us go into our line of work; that is, to listen, and to try to help and heal with our hearts.

As a psychotherapist, I am told that "it has been proven" that those techniques and fixes are what helps, what cures, and what is right. That I need to give my clients the homework, worksheets, and assessments that they are expecting and think will help. That I need to continue the message of lack that they have been struggling with for their entire life.

Don't get me wrong, I give homework and I teach skills. But these are integrated into an approach that seeks to empower the client to know themselves, and to be in control of themselves; an approach that seeks to teach clients to love themselves.

And it works.

What I love about this movie is that it shows the importance of respect for where the client is and is willing to go, and the responsibility on the part of the therapist to challenge this position. Many movies have been made about psychotherapy. It's funny that one about speech therapy really hits the nail on the head.

Connection through Difference; Enchantment with the Possible

2011-01-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

In this TEDtalk, Elizabeth Lesser discusses ideas for connecting with the "other," the person who is "different":

Connection to the other is a theme this week. I've posted about it, worked on it in my own life and work, and President Obama is talking about it too. How have we become so divided? How can we work towards connection?

We need to let go in order to connect. We need to be unafraid, secure, and ready for surprises, challenges, and the adventure of life. This attitude is happiness.

The other we are connecting to is not just someone who is different. The first other we need to embrace are the others in our own hearts; the others inside that we fear, dislike, or are ashamed of.

Living life with faith is about inspiration: going towards the inspiring rather than away from the feared; looking for the choice that fills the heart with a sense of wonder and peace. It's about facing those inside others, loving them, and then letting them go. And then doing it all over again. Because that's what makes the heart sing. And nothing feels more lovely or true than that.

I don't know what's going to happen in this world. There will surely be more love, more pain, more need, more want, more joy, and more despair. What I do know is that we are revolving through the mysterious spiral of the universe one moment at a time. And that today I am filled with wondering, and that feels wonderful.

The Power of Vulnerability

2011-01-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

I was sent a video by a colleague and it affected me so much that I have twittered, facebook'd, and emailed all about it. I hope that you enjoy it, too. I'd love to hear any comments or thoughts you have after watching it.

It is by Brene Brown, someone I had not heard of until today, but who I will certainly be following from now on. You can find the lovely item below, and many other lovely things at her website.

From Brene Brown's Website

She has discovered some wonderful truths through her research, truths that I am always trying to find, not only for myself, but for the people I work with. Enjoy.

Time to Heal

2011-01-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

It takes time to heal, time to grieve, time to move on and find new beginnings. It is a process, not a fix; a transformation, not a switch. When you are in great pain, this is such a difficult, difficult thing to accept.

The beauty of this is the realization that the best thing you can do for yourself when going through periods of pain and frustration is to allow yourself to feel. This does not mean allowing yourself to wallow, ruminate, and wish away the day. That is not feeling, that is thinking, worrying, and avoiding.

Take time to feel.

Lay on your bed, close your eyes, and allow your feelings to just be there. Don't think about them, don't try to figure them out, just let them do their work.

Feeling is the work of the heart. Let it teach you.

I was listening to a great show on NPR the other day, the Moth Hour. There was a segment (I have tried to find the recording but can't) where the speaker described his relationship with his therapist in funny and moving terms. His therapist was unorthodox, direct, and wise. One thing he shared that I really love goes something like this:

"Sometimes you just have to grab a towel, sit in a chair, and let the feelings come."

Let them come, let them move through you, past you, so can move past them.

I'll share with you a secret: this basic action is much of what therapists try to teach their clients. You just have to feel.

What do you do with the mad that you feel?

2011-01-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is a quote from a young boy who inspired a Mr. Rogers song. I heard it recently as I watched this video, shared with me by my sister, of Mr. Rogers defending funding for PBS:

What a wonderful man. I grew up watching Fred Rogers, and can remember thinking about being special, thinking that it was a "good feeling, just being alive." Watching this, I appreciate even more as an adult his calm voice, his caring, and his sense of the time and attention children need to be feel understood and loved.

At the end of this clip, he speaks the words to the song I mentioned above, "What do you Do?" It is a beautiful teaching about dealing with difficult emotions, and centers on the importance of feeling able to make choices, even when upset.

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.

So much strife comes out of moments when it feels like there is only one truth, and no choice. But there is always choice in how we react to how we feel; there is always a choice where action is concerned.

Sadly, many people are not empowered to make that choice, they are gripped by the emotion and the fear. They do not experience the empowerment that comes with dealing with a painful emotion with strength, reason, and faith -- faith in oneself, and in the humanity of us all.

May 2011 be a year of strength, tolerance, and joy for all of us. May we believe we are special, and know that we can stop, stop, stop, any time. Mister Rogers would want it that way.

Listen to Mister Rogers sing the song.

Let Your Heart Be Light

2010-12-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

A wintry hike can sweep out mental cobwebs

Today on a local radio show, the topic was SAD, that is, Seasonal Affective Disorder. This disorder describes people who become clinically depressed when it's dark outside.

The beginning of the show (Think Out Loud on OPB) described the disorder from a medical view, but the latter part focused on stories of survival and solution during the dark days of winter.

They all involved Light.

Light is the answer. Whether lightboxes or candles, a walk outside, or the warmth of the oven, it is light that helps. Makes sense, since it is its absence that creates the problem.

We give a lot during the holidays -- a lot of our own light. Even if were are not gift-givers, we are going to parties, talking to friends and family, or even just making a small effort to be more friendly. All of this can add up to a feeling of overwhelm and depletion. We want to give, but not to give it all away.

Here are 5 ways to help bring in and keep the light this holiday season:

1. Enjoy. Don't just do fun things, enjoy them. When you feel that sense of too much bustle, make sure to pause and survey your surroundings. Are you exhausted? Take a seat, have a beverage, take time while you're at the mall or the bazaar or downtown to sit and do something for yourself. Enjoy the day.

2. Short-shop. Have a half hour during the work day when you can steal down to a cute shop for those stocking stuffers? Do it. Have an extra hour at the end of the day when you could stop by the bookstore to pick up a few things? Do it. Just take the time that you have a do a few things here and there. They all add up and prevent the last minute frenzy.

3. Eat. We all eat during the holidays, sometimes too much. Be sure to take time for nutritive foods during this time. 4 butter cookies is not lunch. It can make you feel as full as lunch, but it is not lunch. Indulge and enjoy, but make sure you are eating good meals, getting good nutrition, and adding in the fun foods as an indulgence. If you skip lunch so that you can 3 glasses of eggnog tonight, you are not doing yourself any favors.

4. Take time to feel. Are you missing someone this holiday season? Take time to feel the feelings you are having and allow them to be a part of your season. Take a long walk and allow yourself to reflect on how you are feeling as the year ends. What is it time to let go of? What do you need as you move forward?

5. Laugh. Whatever holiday you do or do not celebrate, bring in the light with laughter. Watch a favorite comedy with friends, play games, celebrate. Laughter gives us energy and shakes us out of old patterns. Make time for fun and let your heart be light.

Nothing gold can (or should) stay

2010-11-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

Change with the leaves,
turn golden and die.
Death is a blessing,
the mother of the new.

Nature offers the solace of rhythm and change. The turning into fall is an exciting time -- new weather, new food, memories of the past, adventures to come.

It is an invigorating time to be a therapist...

Fall brings new clients, and new changes for old clients. It also brings endings. All of this brings life to my practice; it breathes.

Letting go is infamously hard, but we have to do it -- there is no life without death. We must release people, expectations, wrongs done to us, rights we think we have done.

A sunny fall day makes me want to walk, and look up, and feel the air on my face.

While the exhilaration of Spring after a long winter feels like a rescue, Fall feels like coming home.

I hope you are enjoying it too.

The Simplicity of Change

2010-10-08T12:24:00.000-07:00

Beatrice Peltre

I was reading one of my favorite food blogs today, and reflecting on how much this woman and her writing have taught me. Yes, she creates great recipes, but it's her simple and lovely relationship with food that shines through in her sumptuous posts, and inspires. Thank you, Bea!

Through her recipes, I have learned basic techniques that I have incorporated into my daily routine of cooking. Ways to use small amounts of ingredients; the importance of putting thought into how each ingredient in a recipe is seasoned; the joy of lovely presentation; the role of season, gathering, family.

Wonderful food can be simple.
Simple food can be wonderful.
And little touches make all the difference...

Just like life. Ah ha! Always have to connect it in. But really, life is so often more simple than we think, right? Our thoughts love to make it complicated and difficult, but problems that loom large can shrink in an instant when seen from another vantage point. In therapy, I call this "the lever."

Change often happens slowly, over time, but sometimes one finds the lever. The lever is that realization, that insight, that bit of permission, that allows us to change, and to realize that it is easy.

The biggest inhibition to change is the idea that we already know what to do.

I know what to do, I'm just not doing it.

When we say this to ourselves, we give ourselves quite a slap. What does this mean? That we're lazy, stubborn, incompetent? It sounds a lot like a familiar parental strain...

You know better.

So what? If we all did what we 'knew better' this world would be filled with entirely different people. Our journey to live our life to its fullest would not exist. We would be robotic!

Finding our own unique journey, our own way in the world, is the discovery of true intimacy. Intimacy with yourself. And it involves making lots of mistakes. Lots.

Why are we here? What is this life about? These are the questions we need to be asking ourselves everyday. Not so we can go on a chase, but so that we can live in a place of exploration and receptivity. So we can experiment, question, wonder. So we can have an intimate relationship with our own life.

It's fun, I promise.

Relaxation

2010-10-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

The other day I was sitting in my office at the end of the day waiting for K. to be finished with his last patient. I was laying on my consulting room couch with my feet up, engaged with a book, listening to Friday city sounds. He saw me and said, "You look relaxed." and I realized that I was. And thus began some pondering about--and experimenting with--relaxation.

So now here's the weekend, time to relax, and I'm thinking as I write this about what the difference between a relaxing weekend (or day or vacation) and "doing nothing" really is. Why do we come out of some weekends saying "I feel relaxed" and others saying "I did nothing."

So here are some thoughts:

Relaxation involves -- wait for it -- activity.

Relaxation comes when we are active internally in some way. Reading a book, sitting by a lake, walking in the forest. We are not working, but we are also not not doing. We are relaxing. We are purposefully engaged in something that has no purpose but our inner pleasure.

So why is relaxation different than distraction? Aren't we feeding inner pleasure through distraction? I don't think so.

Too much distraction leads to a kind of out-of-body experience in our own life. I believe that we need grounding in our life, right here, right now, today, in order to feel good.

What distracts?

TV, Internet, movies

worry
anger

work...

What relaxes?

Unscheduled time spent sitting and listening to beautiful music
Reading a good book
Taking a long walk
Doing something else that is, for you, special

So now I'm off to work on it this weekend, to continue to work at my relaxation research. It's a tough business.

Shut the Laptop: one very simple way to improve your relationship

2010-09-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

Feeling disconnected in your relationship? Anxious? Depressed?

Here's a suggestion: unplug.

This weekend, why not put on some music, pour a glass of wine or tea, and just sit and talk or think or read. Rediscover the person you love and cherish! (You or someone else...)

Whether you are single or in a relationship, truly leisurely, directionless time to just be and reflect is so important. We need it to recharge, dream, and connect with others.

This type of time does not happen when our primary relationship is with the internet.

When we are sitting on a device, we may think that we are in the room with other people, but we are not.

Think of it this way: every time you reach for your computer or phone, you are leaving the room.

When you find yourself reaching to check that [insert device of choice here], think to yourself, "Is this really what I want to be doing right now?"

Here are some suggestions for unplugging (this goes for phones, too!):

1. Turn off automatic email notification

2. Set a time when you go on the Internet for how long you want to be on the computer. When the timer rings, turn off your computer.

3. Resist the temptation to check everything every five minutes. Do what you need to do when you need to do it. Set aside time for your internet activities, and then engage in your life outside of the screenworld.

What to do instead of looking at a screen:

1. Cook a meal

2. Make a snack

3. Have a conversation

4. Give someone you love a foot rub

5. Listen to music -- dance to music!

6. Read a book

7. Leaf through a magazine

8. Plan an adventure.

9. Think about the future

and on and on...

Sounds like a vacation, eh?

Good luck with having a cozy, unplugged weekend!

On Dreams

2010-09-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

What are dreams? Are they important? If they are not, why do we feel like they are? As in, "I had the strangest dream last night, I wonder what it means..."

We know that these fantastical, scary, beautiful, experiences we have at night have meaning for us, but we don't always know how to access it.

Dreams are a vital part of daily living. They give information about the future, about ourselves, about destiny.

Here's a few ideas for beginning a dream journal, the key to having a relationship with your own dream life:

1. Buy a journal, doesn't have to be big and fancy. Something medium-sized and thin works well for me. I have a few I like featured in my Amazon Store. I really like Moleskine and Clairefontaine products.

2. When you go to bed at night, take a moment to set your intention to remember your dreams.

3. When you wake up--either at night or in the morning--write down whatever is in your mind, it could be a color, a person, or an entire dream

As you do this more and more, your dream recall will increase, and you'll begin to see themes and patterns.

Our dreaming life is a place of beauty and truth. Enjoy your journey!

Civility -- Lost Art or Loss of Connection?

2010-09-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

I read today that Steven Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant who left his job with a seemingly whimsical leap down the yellow airplane emergency slide--beers in hand--will undergo a mental health evaluation as part of his plea deal for the events of that day. Mr. Slater, it appears, had been under some stress.

When the story first broke, almost everyone I encountered was exuberant about Mr. Slater's courageous exit, his f-you to his job and to the rudeness of a particular passenger. And I felt it too. How many of us have wished that on our last day at a detested job we too had had a slide for our exit, had taken control in that way, spoken our mind, said what's true. It seems so heroic, romantic even.

But Mr. Slater obviously, to use a clinical term, flipped out a bit. He has been under tremendous personal stress and the final straw arrived that fateful day in the form of a "rude passenger". Even though we are much more likely to have been in her shoes as a passenger, none of us relate to her, we all feel for Steven.

But what if she had been the one who, in the face of a rude steward and a full plane, had jumped out of her seat, taken the drink cart by storm, deployed the slide and said "to hell with this!" over the intercom. Then she might have been the one cheered as all of us related to her as she was frustrated--as we all have been--by perceived bad customer service, long flights, small seats. It's all a matter of perspective. And our perspective is skewed by who we think we are, and who we wish we could be.

In my experience as a therapist, one thing overrides all others: we are hardest on ourselves. And when that doesn't immediately show, when we seem harder on others, chances are it is because we are so hard on ourselves that we can barely speak of it. At the heart of this is the fear that we are different from everyone else: everyone else has it figured out, they are fine, they are making it, they are doing great.

This delusion is one reason we love a good celebrity free fall. We want to look away from the unsightliness of it all, but part of us feel reassured, "See, she wasn't perfect, he doesn't have everything."

But, as much as we like to think of ourselves as separate, when we work to understand ourselves and truly enter into the heart of our own life, we discover the rest of humanity there too. We lose the tendency to think that we are fatally flawed and different and outcast. We see that suffering is universal, as is redemption and compassion. And in this discovery is freedom.

My heart goes out to Steven Slater. And to that passenger. May we remember that we are both of them. Our ability to relate to and judge others comes from one thing: our knowledge of ourselves. We cannot see something in someone else that we do not have inside of us. We are both exasperated employee and rude customer; villain and hero. And we all get a little stressed from time to time.

A great opinion piece about the Steven Slater incident inspired my musing today:
The Lost Art of Simple Courtesy

Courage friends, courage!

2010-09-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

Courage is key. Fear is what holds us back, what tricks us into believing when we shouldn't, or not-believing when we should. Fear is the bogey man, the one who holds us captive.

Fear affects everyone, so dealing with it is a major concern of the therapeutic process. One of the major influences on my practice is a man named James Bugental. He articulated beautifully the process of overcoming the fear of actually being with ourselves.

James Bugental wrote many books about the process of therapy, emphasizing that therapy holds the possibility of teaching us how to be with ourselves, not just know about ourselves.

It takes time, patience, and courage to be present with oneself, to face the things that have been lurking. In that process, issues we thought we had put away can suddenly surface quickly; or there are themes we begin to notice about where our mind goes when we feel certain emotions.

This is the exciting part of therapy, whether individual or couples: discovery. It is what keeps the process alive, fresh, inspiring, and life-affirming.

I really enjoy the books of Paulo Coelho for this reason. His books stir the heart, encourage courage, and affirm life. This is what I strive to do in my work with clients, and hopefully I get there sometimes.

What we share

2010-07-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

I noticed today that I follow and read a lot of blogs written by people who do not live where they were born; I am fascinated by the ex-pat, it would seem. One of my very favorites is written by a French woman who lives in the United States. And though I have a feeling that her blog would be just as beautiful if she were living in her native France, I wonder if she would have ever come to write it.

It seems to me that blogs often serve as a kind of travel log, and for many they have turned life into a journey, or allowed it to redeem itself back into one. I do love a good food blog, but the ones I enjoy most involve narrative, discovery, and the delight--on the part of the writer--of finding something new.

Longing to get away, be away, run away, is a symptom of burnout, or the result of it, or both. When we feel down, stuck, or aren't feeling at all, our minds (very naturally) turn to wondering what is the trouble.

Do I need to find a new job? I really, do, actually, dislike my house/city/car/partner. Something needs to change! But what is it? If I could only figure it out...

This effort to "figure out" what's wrong is the hallmark of being stuck in our minds. When we are trying to use the very thing that has us stuck to figure out how to get unstuck, we are truly in the labyrinth. And not the good kind.

Rather than trying to figure something out, writing about life, whether in a blog, letter, or journal entry, can be very therapeutic. It brings to life perspective, helps us see what is happening from a different vantage point, and encourages us to highlight the positive. Which is what therapists try to get their clients to do every day!

The bloggers I really enjoy write about the celebrations of life, post pictures of what they're most proud of, focus on what feels good and true in their life. I have to remember as I read them, though, that these folks are just folks, and that what I am seeing is not them, but the things about their life and self that they love most. It is so easy to get caught up in making someone you admire a super-human when they are not. No one is!

So the next time you are reading a blog and perhaps simultaneously enjoying it and muttering under your breath about how 'of course it's great to live in beautiful french village' remember that a blog is not a whole person, it is what they are choosing to share. And chances are, it is a way in which they are enriching and dealing with their own life. Which is a human life, full of folly and foibles, pain, disappointment, and the days where things just don't go right. Just like the rest of us!

Winng the Lottery

2010-06-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

What is work and what is not work are questions that perplex the wisest of men.

~The Bhagavad-Gita

We live in difficult times.

Sigh. Oh yes, we do.

Financial woes, environmental disaster, existential angst. What's an American to do?

Win the lottery! Yes, that is an excellent solution. Ha ha. Shrug, sigh. Seen any good movies lately?

What? Is this the best solution we can come up with? C'mon, we're Americans! We can do better than that. I have a solution, and it's good for your mental health, too:

Work.

Yes, work. Work!

Instead of waiting, wondering, and complaining: let's just get down to work and working and digging into our own lives. A victory garden for every mind and heart! Yes.

Ah, but it is so easy, so easy right there to feel overwhelmed. I don't want to, damnit! I can't. I won't. It won't matter. If I could just win the lottery.... ha ha.... shrug. Have you watched any good shows on Hulu lately?

Wait wait wait. What is it exactly that we need? How can we be so sure we don't have it?

More. More resource, more time, just a little more, just enough, just until, just more!

More. BP wanted more, too. What kinds of sacrifices do we make everyday in the name of needing more? Are we sure that more is the key?

We assume that with this more will come happiness (we wouldn't want it otherwise). I need more!

We tire of work. I'm burned out. But are we truly working? What is it to work? What is the American dream? Is it a folly, a delusion, a pastime?

Or is there something to "pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps" and just getting down to it; to forgetting about why and how and if and when, and just working because it is in that very action, that process, that we find identity, fulfillment, and peace.

The American dream has been defined in many ways: a house, two kids, a car, a picket fence, an iphone, whatever. But I believe it has to do with the freedom to work, and the inner freedom that comes with that. With the freedom to be responsible for one's own life, and to live out the fruits or follies of that life--not for wealth necessarily, but for self. For the experience of being alive.

Someone else said it better:

    You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only.

    You have no right to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working. Never give way to laziness, either.

     Perform every action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment to the fruits.

    Be even tempered in success and failure; for it is this evenness of temper which is meant by yoga.

   Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self-surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable.

~Bhagavad-Gita Mahabharata

This isn't about having a job and working nine to five. Work is whatever is before you in your day. It is your life--let's live! Let's work.

Hoping

2010-05-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

Even as the rain continues, and continues, and continues, and Spring teases us like the guy in high school who glanced and smiled and never said hi, I feel especially hopeful today.

Last Saturday, I went to a workshop led by Bob Edelstein, my clinical supervisor and mentor. I have worked with Bob for 3 years now, but I always learn something new in his presence. His passion for what he does is something to behold. Passion! I left the workshop on Saturday evening feeling reinvigorated for the work that I do with my clients; excited for the process.

Bob always brings humor, candor, and a kind of simplicity to a difficult process. "What would Bob do right now?" flits through my mind many times during a work week. When I have the chance to ask him, I am always surprised and inspired by the answer.

I also had fun. On Sunday I went to see Robin Hood with K. Not a great movie, but a really fun movie. Beautiful English countryside, solid actors (Cate Blanchett!), and a timeless story.

And "Lost." Ah yes. I have been a devoted fan for 5 of the 6 seasons. I began watching because K. was working on Tuesday evenings, and it stuck. The finale was great, entertaining, and fun. And it made me think. And search the internet for what other people thought. And think some more.

I also met some challenges this week. As I do every week. If we expect life not to challenge us, oh crap, we are in trouble. Some of these challenges involved work, some friends, some simple circumstances. But I dealt with them and moved on. What can I call that? Action!

And I had some great conversations, both in session and out. I connected with others, shared ideas, relaxed and enjoyed. I allowed the presence of fellow human beings to influence and change me. I connected.

So, a full week. A week full of learning, thinking, feeling, action, and connecting. A week, in many ways, like most weeks. But more... noticed, felt, experienced. May hope and remembrance fill your weekend!

The Food Issue

2010-05-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

It has been consistently documented, talked about, and encouraged.

Every newspaper and magazine with anything to do with health addresses it continually.

Beyond the already difficult body-image issues that Americans struggle with, we know that eating is related to mood: good nutrition is essential to mental health.

Is it really a surprise?

Food is essential to the life of our body. How could it not be related to our mood?

Eating good food is one of the great pleasures of life. How could a lack of this not make us feel like something was missing?

For years, I myself have struggled with this. Even though I have always loved to cook. I have gone through many food phases. Raw food, vegetarian, ending last year with the "giving up" phase. I had resigned myself, at the tender age of 34, to the fact that because I would never a) run or b) go to the gym regularly, I would never be "fit."

And I couldn't imagine that I would ever have time to cook "good meals" with my busy schedule and later evening working hours.

But I was frustrated by how I felt. I went home in the evening with headaches all the time. I wasn't in shape enough to enjoy the outdoors like I used to. And it was all making me very sad. Something had to give. And it did.

Two people changed it all. Well three, if you count me.

The first was my wonderful health coach, Katie Decker. I worked with Katie twice a month for 6 months. I committed to change. I kibitzed, I complained, I celebrated. She listened. Katie is a wonderful coach, beautiful person and friend. A good coach at the right time can be just what you need.

And then, I finally bought and read the book I'd been eying for years: French Women Don't Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano. I was at the airport after a trip to see my beautiful little sister in San Diego. She was looking and feeling so good, and I wanted some of that. I saw that book and something clicked. The next day it was on its way from Amazon.

I read FWDGF over the course of 2 days. By the second day, I was eating breakfast--something I have always struggled with--and haven't stopped. I began cooking at home, eating delicious food, drinking water, going on the long walks I had always loved, the list is endless.

If you choose to read it, do as Mireille says, give it time. Read the whole thing. Let it sink in.

For whatever reason, this book gave me permission to live life in the way that feels good to me. No spandex or big sweats (unless I'm hiking someplace magnificent!). Just a good 20 minute walk everyday, and 3-4 hikes up the 8 flights of stairs to my office every week.

I work in downtown Portland and discovered that I spent every week day in the best walking neighborhood in Portland.

I began to see possibility all around me. Good food seemed possible, fun, and I was losing weight and feeling good.

Next weekend it will have been one year since that fateful reading. I'm celebrating that by coming out of the FWDGF closet. It changed my life, maybe it could change yours. I've recommended it to a few clients like a secret, as if as a therapist I should be above such things.

But a good therapist is never above what helps--why should I be?

To your health!

All Over Again

2010-05-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

Here it is, Friday all over again. Today in Portland, it is gorgeous, glorious, sunny, beautiful, perfect outside. The city heaves with the wonder of it. Everyone talks about the weekend, dreams of green grass, vegetables, and summer.

The longing for sun and its appearance in May is part of the cycle of the seasons here. Truly. Every year I remember this. "Oh yeah, it will be sunny and warm and then cold again after Memorial Day, and everyone will be sad, and then it will get hot in July" That's how it usually goes.

Yet every year we all wait for it as if it will never come. And hold onto it as if we could. And forget about the cycle. Understanding the cycle, though, is where it's sweet.

This is true about our own lives, no? When we recognize our cycles, we are able to stay more sane as they move through us. Without cycles, we would not be alive. This is the nature of the seasons.

In September, the evening air is cool with death, and the beginnings of winter. But now, the evening air is cool with the warmth of summer in its breath. And we wait, and it will come. And then go again.

The Passing of Alice Miller

2010-04-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm embarrassed to say that I had never heard of Alice Miller until her passing this week.

Alice Miller was a trained psychoanalyst who pioneered the concept that children are deeply shaped by the way in which they are parented...

This is a reality I see in my office everyday.

You can read the obituary in the New York Times here.

Or look at her website here.

She was an artist, too...

I think her work has lost mainstream prominence as we struggle to understand how to both feel what we need to feel, to honor the soul and self, and also to let go of anger and hatred.

This is one of the challenges of the work of self-discovery, whether done alone or in therapy... feel, let go.... feel, let go.... feel, let go...
It is process, work, a beautiful thing. There is an emphasis now on "brief" or "short-term" therapy. But change takes time, and insight grows, and ebbs and flows.

Recipe for stillness...

2010-04-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

The mysteries of why we say and do what we say and do are never-ending.
This very fact, I suppose, is part of why I enjoy what I do everyday so much. I listen, I explore, I discover. I am allowed to witness so much of the human experience.
I watch the layers of who we think we are, who we've been told we are, lift, slough. I get to experience newness.

Finding the new is a journey. You stop, slow down, let go. And then you're there...

When we feel out of control, it feels like we can't or shouldn't find it. Like we are abandoning all of our responsibilities. But worry and responsibility are not the same thing. Right action emanates from calm.
And calm is found through effort, faith, and hope.
Happy Weekend!

Facing Forward

2010-04-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about depression lately, how to battle the symptoms, how to find the root causes and issues within the unique experience of each person. We become depressed when we stop giving ourselves permission to live, to simply be who we are. Our life spirit cannot thrive if we continually question it.

For some, this becomes a feeling of defeat and impossibility. For others, that feeling gets pushed away and is replaced by anger and rage, cynicism. But at the heart of the issue is often the existential question of "Who am I to think I could be happy?"

We begin looking for the answer to this by searching for our life partner, vocation, or "passion". But who are we? We are the person that gets up and lives or does not live the life that is in front of us. We are defined by what we do with today.

There is a time to hunker down, lay low, and rest. Fatigue and exhaustion are real things, and we need to take care of ourselves when we have pushed to hard. But when we are staying home, watching others live their lives on a screen, because we do not want to face the world, this is when it is so important that we do.

And we don't have to figure it all out today. Just get dressed, get out of the house, and do one thing. You don't even have to know what that one thing is when you leave. Take a leisurely walk through a favorite part of town. Go to a bookstore. Take a long slow journey through the isles of the grocery store. Allow yourself to live.

This may not get you out of the water, but consider it something to hold onto in the storm.

Spring, blossoms, sun, it's grand

2010-03-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

Spring is here. The farmer's market downtown begins this weekend, and I find myself taking more walks everyday. You can't help but notice, too, the new food around. Different greens, fewer apples, small signs of a new season blossoming. There is a different shine to the world on these early spring days.

I was born in the Spring and always love its arrival. Green grass, time outside, and the promise of summer. Each day unfolds and goes by so fast, especially as I'm getting older. I remember when it seemed like so long before summer would come, as we waited and waited. Now it seems like it's almost here before spring even gets started.

One way I slow down is to walk and allow the unexpected in. Serendipity is something that is both present and lost in our new age of information, reviews, yelp, and i-phones. We may never have to eat at a bad restaurant again, but we may also fail to discover our favorite ever. What is the role of mystery and discovery in life? What is the value of visiting the unknown?

I think of all the books I have bought because I was in a certain place at a certain time. How they remind me of that when I see them on a shelf. It's a different experience than ordering one online and getting exactly what you wanted. Because I don't know if we always know best what we want. Sometimes (often) our desires are ephemeral fantasies, mirages that were never there to begin with.

New Look for 2010

2010-01-19T16:42:00.000-08:00

A new look for 2010, and a few changes. How is 2010 going for you? It definitely feels like a new year. Here in Portland, it has been so warm lately that it feels like spring! But that is temporary, most likely.

The new year brings hope, disappointment, and thoughts of the future. It's a great time to take stock and look ahead to how you want to live your life this year. The sense of a "New Year" may seem trite or artificial, but is it really? Here is another cycle of the same dates, the same seasons, but a different year. What do you regret about last year? And don't answer "I didn't exercise enough."! Think big. What is something you did not do every day of last year that you are going to do this year? It could be as simple as breathing deep.

And eating well always helps too...

Big Year

2009-10-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time since I've posted anything, but I'm back.

In the past year, my husband Kjell ("Chell") and I opened our long-held dream: Confluence Clinic. Kjell is an acupuncturist and chinese herbalist, and together we are working to bring a holistic approach to health. Kjell and I are working together with several clients on providing support to their healing process, and having great results. It is truly a gift for us that our clients and patients give through their intention, honesty, and work.

Our clinic is in downtown Portland on SW 6th and Washington. We have a great location with public transit access and parking right across the street--we validate!

So that's the update. In more feeling terms, I'm enjoying the arrival of Fall. As I write, it is a truly magnificent day outside. I was able to take a nice walk today around downtown while running a few errands and was taken aback multiple times by the beauty of the blue sky. Living in the Northwest, it feels like a long breath in before the steady descent into Winter.

The thing is, that sky is always up there. It is always blue above the clouds, the weather is always moving and temporary. This is much like our emotional states. While we want to always acknowledge and honor our emotional states, we also don't want to get stuck thinking that every day is a rainy day in January, because it's not. But, on that rainy day in January, it certainly feels like it's never going to get better.

None of us is identified by a single feeling. We are not good, bad, right, wrong, smart, perfect, bad, terrible, etc. We are a constantly changing Earth all to ourselves. We grow, we die, and something new happens. All of it, everyday.

I've really been enjoying cooking lately and am amazed and how being nurturing to myself, and attentive to the bounty of nature, can transform my mood after a long day. It makes such a difference.

In the process of therapy, I often tell my clients that we are walking along a braided path. The past is with us, because the past informs the present, and often there are wounds that need to be healed, and grief that needs to be felt. But we also need to tend to the present, to what we do everyday and the choices we make. I try to help clients find these tools. And then there are other people. Our choices in relationship inform our life to such a large degree! This is a large and integral part of what I do as well. I work to give honest feedback to my clients as they move in the world of relationships.

Love and work... work and love, that's all there is.

If you can't do it, give up!

A couple of quotes by Sigmund Freud to go with this light-hearted day.

Peace to you,
Erin

The Object of My Affection

2008-11-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

Love is about the subjective, not the objective. Too often we see others just in the way they exist for us, not in the way that they exist for themselves. When this happens, we "objectify" them. This term is often used in reference to the way women are perceived and presented in media and culture. One is objectified when one's inner life is disregarded based on what is better for the observer. i.e. when a person is treated like a piece of cake, tasty or not, good or not, to be eaten or thrown away by the one making those judgments.

If we want love to work, if we want love at all, we have to give it, not expect it. When we put expectations on another (and I'm not talking about common courtesy and respect) for who they should be for ourselves, we kill love. When we seek to put the welfare of someone else above even or own (not to the detriment of our own, but to go out of our way to support and love someone else) we discover beauty. When a person does this for many people, they are considered a saint.

So, the next time you are wondering about your relationship, about your love, trying loving instead of trying to receive. Give more of your time, more of your self, do something they love to do, just for them, because you love them and their happiness means something to you. And then you discover the true secret: that joy in life lies in actively loving and giving. As Mother Theresa said: “We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love.”

This Too Shall Pass

2008-10-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

We are currently living through an historic time, a time that should be learned from and not repeated, but that will probably be forgotten or clouded over with the passing of time. But regardless of how the future looks back on us in this moment, this moment itself is one of intense stress and discomfort for many of us.

A friend of mine called me recently suggesting that I offer some thoughts about dealing with the stress of an impending depression, and the paralysis it is causing people in being able to continue to move and make changes in their lives. There is a beautiful Jewish parable that might be instructive for this moment:

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it."

"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?"

"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.

He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.

That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: _gimel, zayin, yud_, which began the words "_Gam zeh ya'avor_" -- "This too shall pass."

At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

The Examined Life

2008-09-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

The unexamined life is not worth living. ~Socrates

To examine one's life is a work of love for oneself and compassion for others. Although taking time for ourselves--whether we're daydreaming as we take a walk on a beautiful fall day or talking about our daily struggles in therapy--can feel self-indulgent, is it?

When we remain unaware of ourselves, we are unable to take responsibility for who we are in the world, and how we affect others. When we are unconscious of our motivations, desires, and fears, we act without insight, and repeat patterns that don't make sense anymore. We are reacting to the world through memory, rather than through lived experience.

Whether in therapy or meditation, talking with a friend or seeking God, when we take the time to look at ourselves and our lives, amazing things happen. Sometimes we are so busy trying to live a life that exists only in our minds, that we miss out on the life that is here, right now, waiting to be lived and loved.

Honesty

2008-08-27T16:56:00.001-07:00

Brutal honesty is one of the keys to satisfaction in life. But not the kind of honesty where you tell everyone what you think, no holds barred. No, true honesty is the honesty you have with yourself, your ability to take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, and reactions. And without that, honesty in relationships with others is almost impossible.

Often, we are very afraid to be honest with ourselves; it feels as if the sky will come falling down if we admit that we know in our heart of hearts that we really did mean what we said at dinner the other night. The difference in responsible honesty is that we are able to admit that yes, we meant what we said, but also, that we were saying it out of hurt feelings or anger or ...?

This kind of honesty can only happen in a safe environment. Couples often come to counseling in order to find that environment, to work on "communication and trust". These two things are completely intertwined, and cannot exist without the other. But we are talking about communication from the heart, realness. Not about what you're going to do, but about how you feel.

Sometimes we don't communicate how we're truly feeling to our partner because we are, in fact, being responsible. We realize that our partner does not deserve to hear or experience the wrath that we feel inside, that it has nothing to do with them. But we must reach beyond that type of holding in, if what we want is intimacy and connection. We must admit our own difficult emotions, but in a responsible way.

"You're right, I was being sarcastic. I guess it's because everytime you talk to him, I feel like you don't want me around, and that hurts my feelings."

Honesty requires trust, trust requires honesty. It is the circle of life, and we have to be willing to take some risks if we want to find that reward, that safe place of love that we long for.

Summer's sweet recline

2008-08-07T15:57:00.002-07:00

It's hard to think of getting anything done this time of year, the days seem to be only for moving slowly through the thick air of late summer. We've had such a lack-of-summer in the northwest this year, that every day with the heat seems even more important to cherish and savor, as difficult as it may be sometimes. Like a sweet summer romance that got started too late, and must end all too soon.

It's harvest time, a time for taking stock of gains and being grateful for what the year has brought. Soon we will enter into the winding path of Fall, inevitably leading towards Winter, and then off to Spring and Summer again. The rhythmic nature of the seasons is such a comfort, when we allow it to be so.

So as we lay on the hammock of late summer--whether actually or just emotionally--let's remember that one of the biggest holidays of the year in China is for the August Moon. That now is a great time to take stock of a year of productivity, to see how far we've come, and where we still want to go.

Spring's Slow Arrival

2008-04-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

With this Spring season's slow arrival, I've been reflecting on what it is we long for as we wait for the weather to change. What is it that spring brings?

In the pink of the cherry blossoms and the overflowing life of azaleas and rhododendrons, we recognize the hope for new life that we all carry inside. Add to that the contrast of a bright blue sky and you get the experience that we of the Northwest carry as a quiet little dream all winter long.

It is, indeed, the time for new life. And I find that every Spring is more beautiful in different ways than the last. The rains come and go, and the weather is full of life and movement. There is so much that nature has to teach us if we stop to listen just a little bit.

Mother Nature is a complicated presence who enlivens our hearts but also challenges us with violence and unpredictability. Yet, we never give up on her abiding and enduring presence. This presence exists in all of us as well.

The seasons are symbols that teach us about our own lives. They bring beautiful experiences and memories, but also a lot more than that if we take the time to look and feel what nature has to offer to our souls.

Nothing to fix

2008-03-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes, either when I first meet a client, or after we have been working together for a while, an issue that needs fixing presents itself. Usually, it is an aspect of the person that needs fixing, "I just need to fix this about myself" or "I need to change this about myself." Yet, though change is, indeed, in many ways the goal of therapy, it is not always what we think it is.

Being alive is a fluid, organic process. Our body is not the same second to second, with millions upon millions of cells splitting, dying, changing, and being born. Why should who we are be any different? We become stuck in our lives when beliefs about ourselves become entrenched. The same truth can be both terrifying and liberating: we are not one thing, but many.

As I sit typing these words, I am a woman in my thirties, a therapist, a wife, a resident of Portland, a friend, a daughter, a neighbor, a reader, a writer... the list goes on and on and on. So I am truly none of these things. I am actually an emerging consciousness moving through space and time, the origin of which is still a mystery. It is that very mystery that allows for beauty and happiness in life.

In therapy, we are often seeking to fix, both as client and practitioner. But life is much more fun, rich, and satisfying when we instead make it our mission to discover, to live, to love. Finding out what gets in the way of that natural movement is the work both of therapy and of life.

erinmoline.com

In the balance

2008-02-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

Many of us live day to day in a precarious balance, just barely able to tolerate the amount of stress we are under, our fears and anxieties about the state of the world around us, and the subtle yet powerful fear that we are not really living in our life as we should or wish we could be.

These fears come together to form a kind of malaise, and then when we are cut off in traffic, or have a difficult conversation with a loved one, or a bad moment at work, the balance tips and we are angry, enraged, or in tears. Sometimes, in moments like these, we wonder what is wrong with us, or what is wrong with the world, or, perhaps more often, we think to ourselves that there must be more to life than this.

I am continually amazed at the power just allowing ourselves to be has to transform this precarious balance into a grounding in our inner strength and joy. When we are caught up in stress, we tend to feel that we have to "figure something out", but truly, the key is so simple, yet often elusive. When we learn to have faith in ourselves and our way of being in the world, when we become okay with just being who we are, a tremendous burden is lifted. Some discover this through spiritual seeking or recovery from an addiction. Some discover it in the yoga studio or on an extended retreat in nature. And others find that the therapy room becomes a retreat nestled in the midst of one's life, which suddenly makes it okay to feel.

However it is found, it is a universal experience. It is the universal experience of the joy of just being, just being who we find ourselves to be, right here, right now.

erinmoline.com

It's going to burn off

2008-01-17T14:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, as I was looking out my office window, there was a brightness to the gray sky that I recognized: the sun is back there! I had a feeling then that the day would soon give us a glimpse of blue sky and I wasn't disappointed. Today we are socked in again, but it was so nice yesterday to have a chance to feel the sun on my face and be reminded that we are ever closer to Spring.

When we pay attention to ourselves and our surroundings, we develop a familiarity with how things move and change. Just as yesterday I was able to detect that the sun might just shine, so does the process of personal growth and change unfold, until you are able to see that past that gray sky is a sunny day waiting. Or a gray day waiting. And that's okay, too. And even, quite possibly, welcome.

When we muster the courage to more fully engage with our life, inner and outer, we become inhabitants of a new world. We gain knowledge from living in this world, and from that knowledge comes more courage. In this way, life becomes a flow of experience, an ever-changing sea that is neither good nor bad, but just what is.

erinmoline.com

Taking root in 08

2008-01-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

During this time of year, it's tempting to make resolutions, look straight into the new year like you're daring it to defeat you, and forget to take stock of how you got this far. By the end of a year, we are so ready to get moving on. We've stuffed our bellies with food and our minds and hearts with friends and family. You can almost hear the collective sigh of relief on New Year's Day as the revelry ends and a new year begins. In fact, we end the year on a note so different than what our day-to-day life is, it's easy to lose the thread between then and now.

Taking stock of what was good and bad, fun and stressful, improved and worsened, can help us get ready for being more balanced in this next year. Note, I did not say better. That is because the more balanced we are, the more we can allow our roots to grow in our lives, regardless of whether we live in one place for 50 years or 50 days. And having roots allows us to be happier, more creative, and more compassionate. Is there a better resolution?

So as we get ready for 2008 and all that it will bring, don't forget good ol' 07. Remember to look back on those months, remember what you've struggled with, and where your victories where. Situate yourself squarely on a fresh starting line, and, when you're ready, start moving at your own pace.

erinmoline.com

Relating

2007-12-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

We all want good relationships. We desire friendships and intimate relationships where we have fun and feel seen and heard by someone else. But, while the fantasy of some ideal relationship lives on in books, television, moves, and love songs, the reality can be much less tangible, and seem, at times, impossible to find.

One of the best things we can do in aspiring for better relationships is to look at how we relate to ourselves. Most likely, in this looking we will find a wealth of information about how we relate to others. In being honest with ourselves, we also create the kind of comfort and ease with oneself that is attractive to others.

The process of accepting ourselves can take a lot of time, effort, and courage, but it is worth it. And the rewards go much deeper than relationships.

To accept oneself is to truly begin walking the road to a happier and more balanced life. Accepting yourself doesn't mean you never change, or that you are somehow "giving up". The sprout does not chastise itself for not being a tree; the stream does not lecture itself about how it should be a river. The movement of growth is a natural process of the soul, if only we can allow it to unfold.

Allowing Connection

2007-11-09T15:29:00.001-08:00

Allowing ourselves to be and feel truly connected to others is not an easy proposition. In many ways it can seem to make more sense for us to stay disconnected, to stay separate from experiencing who we are in relationship to other people. We lack the kind of faith that allows for genuine relationship. We have been hurt too may times.

The truth of the matter is that we are one large human family, all living on this planet together. We all share the pain and triumph that is being human, that is being a being with the potential for love and self-consciousness. When we are able to reach out to others through that shared experience, we call that compassion.

It is one thing to be compassionate, another to allow that compassion to be a source of connection and strength for both ourselves and others. We are each other’s best teachers. We are each other’s bridge to a better tomorrow. Love is a living experience we find when we tap into the source that is at the root of our connection to one another.

We have all been hurt, and we all have the potential for forgiveness and true connection. When we discover that true faith and safety can only be found within, we suddenly find that we are no longer as afraid of connecting to others. How do we find that faith and security? We begin with rediscovering what it is to be alive in this moment, examining assumptions and beliefs, and taking responsibility for who we are in this life. We begin by becoming aware of how we are making choices.

When we choose to connect, we are choosing life. We all have that right, the right to live in freedom without fear. But whether it is the fear of where our next meal is going to come from, or fear of a terrorist attack, it takes will to not give in. It takes an act of conscience and strength to allow ourselves to be truly alive as a person in the world.

Seasons of Love

2007-11-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

There is always something to learn from nature about relationships, and this applies especially to the cycle of the seasons. If you live in a place where the leaves turn and fall in autumn, chances are that you love this season. Even though it’s getting colder and we know that winter is on its way, there is something fall that evokes a beautiful sense of the bittersweet, which for some reason we experience as a complex combination of relaxation and excitement, a mixture of hope for and acceptance of what is to come.

This is the phase of the relationship season that is often the most difficult for couples to be comfortable with. It’s as if they can feel winter’s approach and forget to enjoy the sense of fall as it occurs in their relationship. Fall gives us the feeling that we are going to be okay—it is preparing us for winter with a subtle reminder of spring. But in relationship, this feeling can be difficult to interpret, especially for those who have never seen a relationship through winter, and have not been around relationships that have weathered many moons.

The fall of a relationship is a comfortable settling. It is not “settling”, but rather becoming comfortable in the knowledge that to be in a relationship is to be in flux, to be in movement. Every relationship has its dark days, and also times when both partners are working inwardly, when the new growth of the relationship is being created through individual and personal growth. Often, though, when we feel the subtle impression of this reality, the feeling of impending winter, we forget about spring, and think that we have lost something in the relationship. We forget that, as Anne Morrow Lindbergh quotes Saint Exupery in Gift from the Sea: "Love does not consist in gazing at each other. But in looking outward together in the same direction."

When we first fall in love, we are smitten, we are obsessed, we cannot get enough of the other person. But if we make the mistake of thinking that that state of being is love itself, that that is what it should be all of the time, and that if that state fades, that we have lost something, we are losing out on the opportunity to find what love can really give us: joy, real friendship, intimacy, and a deeper sense of life in all its meanings. And we miss out on all the springs to come.

Letting Go of Fear

2007-10-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Fear blocks our ability to “just be” in the world. Working with and understanding fear and the role it plays in one’s life is almost always a part of the counseling or therapeutic process. Often, when the issues at hand become less pressing, it is discovered that underneath stress, anger, depression, etc. is fear in its many forms.

We live in a society and culture that is in many ways based on fear. We fear others, fear death, fear poverty, fear ridicule, and on and on. We take for granted that the movement of fear is leading us to safety, and thus don’t question it until it stops being useful and we really see how harmful it is. For example, when we are having relationship problems or struggling to take a test, etc. we really see that fear is making things worse, not better.

The opposite of fear is faith. Faith is a loaded word in these times, but what does it really mean when used in this context? Faith, used in this way, describes a presence within, an inner knowing that is not fear or worry based on past experiences. It is the faith that if we do what feels right to us in our heart, and don’t act from fear, our life will be as it needs to be. Faith is seeing the inherent emptiness of fear. Fear wants us to believe in it, but what does it truly know?

We all have a center that does know, that cares about others and the world around us, that will take care of us as we need to be taken care of. When we lose that we turn to fear in order to feel secure. By taking time to just be in the moment, and to recognize the flavor of fear, we see that allowing fear to rule our lives creates less, not more, safety. When we seek to love our fellow man, we discover that fear is trying to protect us from that same person. When we find the strength within that does not need to be afraid, love springs forth, and with it, a new way of being in the world.

Feeling Comfortable in Your Own Skin

2007-10-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be comfortable with ourselves? To be at ease in the world and in our relationships, able to enjoy life's beauty and endure its hardships? These are questions many who come to counseling are asking without even knowing it. What is it to be happy?

Looking outside

We often make the mistake of thinking that outward things are going to make us happy. Yet even as we buy "Real Simple" or turn towards political movements in an effort to live a more simple life, we are clinging to the idea that changing what is on the outside is what will make the difference. Time and time again, though, we find that the things outside of us are not what matters -- truly, it is what is going on inside that affects our daily life.

The first step in becoming more comfortable with ourselves and in our own skin is accepting things just as they are, in this very moment. This process is about letting go of judging that everything is terrible or perfect; it is a state of mind that allows the heart to open to the world.

Acceptance

We can spend a lot of time trying to fix what is in our minds and hearts -- trying to be something or someone different -- but what we need is the courage to allow and accept. Once we are able to allow what is there to just be, we find that it suddenly changes, moves, comes to life, teaches. This dynamic, mysterious movement allows us to come to life, too.

Acceptance leads to choice, the choice of what to do with whatever reaction we find arising inside of us. Choice leads to empowerment, and empowerment allows for relaxation.

You are flawed

The quest for perfection also affects our relationships. It is very difficult to become truly close to others if we are afraid of what they will find when they get to know us. This is why we need to find our courage. If we are able to face our worst fears about ourselves, we become less vulnerable to and scared of the judgments of others. When we lose this fear, we discover the ability to love and be loved.

Though it may seem to go against everything you have ever thought, it is our acceptance of our flaws that leads to emotional freedom. This acceptance allows us to have compassion for ourselves and others, rather than self-pity and anger. It releases us from the quest for perfection, and opens our heart so that we stop taking ourselves -- and others -- so seriously.

Take a breath

The next time you notice yourself getting upset about how you feel, take a moment to accept that feeling, just as it is. Take a breath, and ask yourself, "What is this?" The answer may surprise you. And if you are having a lot of trouble with this, seek out a good therapist. What I describe above is one of the central goals of good therapy.

Being a Person in the World

2007-09-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other'
doesn't make sense any more.
~Rumi

We all take for granted that we are alive, that we are a living person in the world. But how often do we take a moment to really experience that? As you are reading this, I encourage you to feel yourself as a living being in this very moment. Notice your body, the feeling of whatever piece of furniture is supporting your body, the sounds outside. Take a moment to breathe in the experience of being alive.

In the West, we do not often question our minds. We know that our way of thinking and reacting can cause us pain, so we often try to change our thoughts. What we don't change is our relationship to our mind. We don't see how our belief in the power of our thoughts affects our ability to "just be" in this world.

When we take a moment to become aware of the fact that we are a living being, we allow ourselves some breathing room. This type of awareness facilitates an experience that cannot be found in thoughts or beliefs. In order to change and find happiness, we need action, something different, a new way of relating to ourselves and others.

By taking this time for ourselves, we help all of humanity. By being compassionate with ourselves, we develop the ability to love and delight in our fellow creature.

Fall

2007-09-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

What is it about a crisp autumn day that makes a person feel both happy and a little sad all at the same time? Fall evokes the most interesting of emotions, and brings a certain type of peace or contentment that is unique to the season. It is a time for letting go of the old to make way for the new, a time of change and color. A time of possibility.

Watching the leaves change reminds me of the process of change, the difference between letting go and new growth. Fall is a time for shedding old ways, and making the changes you've been waiting for. What keeps us from making changes? From dropping our leaves?

Change has to come at the right time and can be both a sudden and gradual process. We may have sudden realizations that take time to develop and become reality. We need patience with ourselves, and to allow time for our hearts and minds to breathe and find their own rhythm. When we allow ourselves this much needed inner space, whole worlds of possibility open up. We see what is, what has been, and what could be, and we find the whole thing frightening, exciting, and beautiful. And we are ready for it.

Solving Problems

2007-08-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to be faced with the complexity and tragedy of this world and not want to "fix it." Often though, it seems that conversations about the state of things inevitably dissolve into deeper and deeper circles of hopelessness and fatigue that end with an agreement by all that the world is crazy, nuts, etc.

I feel that part of this mentality comes from a lack of interest in taking a fresh perspective, in looking at a situation and being imaginative about what could be different, how it came to be, and what our individual parts to play may be. We have a certain version of our world shoved down our throats everyday. And, in a way, it is comfortable that way. Do we have the courage to allow ourselves a new way of thinking? There is freedom there, truly.

Looking at the Perseid meteor shower last night, in a place outside of the city where one can actually see the immensity of the universe that surrounds us, I was struck by the feelings of possibility and mystery that such an experience evokes. It is a sign of our times that the view of our universe is veiled by city lights.

We live under our blue dome and believe much too easily in what others tell us about our own experience. Freedom is possible when we let go of what we think we know, and allow wonder to become a part of our life again.

Only Human

2007-06-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation today, a potential client commenting on how she enjoyed reading my blog because it indicated that I'm human and that I'm willing to show it, even though I'm supposed to be the expert human, a "therapist."

Therapists are incredibly human, especially good ones. Because to be a good counselor, you have to be very interested in what it is to be human, and enjoy being with other humans. It is that interest and attentiveness that makes counseling work, not a kind of expertise or perfection of qualities.

That can be a trap for people working in mental health, because it seems like you are supposed to be an expert, to know exactly what's going with the person or couple sitting across from you.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama once said something to the effect that when he meets a person, he always tries to recognize that they are a fellow traveler, someone who is suffering and seeking happiness, just as he is. When he sees a person in this way, they immediately feel like an old friend.

This is the art that the counselor can offer, that witnessing of humanness, a willingness to be by your side in frightening places, a philosophy of kindness and compassion. In this space, the true light within each one of us can begin to shine and light the way.

Worldly possessions

2007-06-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

Riding the bus home from my office today, I was struck by the beauty of a sunny day after so much gray, the spontaneity of summer, everyone out walking and breathing and (sometimes) smiling. And I noticed as I was contemplating and observing these things, that into my mind continuously float media images, thoughts about politics and the sorry state of things, etc. We truly carry the world with us, regardless of where we may be.

Recently, I was on a vacation where I stayed someplace high above most human habitation. I felt my mind clear, and even thinking about the complexities of the world seemed irrelevant. It was incredibly freeing--a true vacation.

Now, I'm not advocating abandoning this world--we couldn't if we wanted to. But it is something to contemplate, how much we let the version of the world we have running in our minds influence the one we see outside, and how much of that we allow to spill into our relationships, our work, and our experiences of each another.

Happiness

2007-06-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

The 4 Noble Truths of the Buddha begin with “Life is Suffering.” In the west, we don’t really buy that, though we do seek pleasure an awful lot for people who don’t suffer. But let’s just say that we acknowledge that we suffer, what then? Eating? Shopping? Sex? Gambling? The list goes on.

One of the resources available for working with our suffering in an effective way is the much misunderstood practice of “therapy”. Through movies and Freud and the lurking shadows of how we as a society have historically treated the mentally ill, the role of “therapist” has become somehow a symbol for the past and its struggles, rather than for new possibilities and growth.

In my practice, I seek to work with people so that we can become happier in their lives and communities. Period. I do this by listening, giving feedback and tools, listening, drawing their attention to the moment, listening, and, listening. The gift of therapy truly goes both ways. Having it be your job to engage with others in a way that is both real and helpful is a wonderful experience. It is my hope that as we move through the issues we are having about mental health in the public arena, that some re-thinking of what it is for all of us, and the tools we have to work with it, will be engaged.

Mental Health of the Community

2007-06-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

In the news lately there are many articles about funding for mental health services, for vets, for the public, etc. But shouldn't "mental health services" really be more holistic than that? Created not just for serving the "mentally ill" (however we are choosing to categorize that in this moment), but for truly serving the mental health of each community?

Can you imagine every state and city with a specific agency dedicated to assessing the mental health of the community? I want to do that! We could assess stress levels by looking at crime rates, job losses, traffic, accidents, etc. And then there is the issue of children and their access to the outdoors, exercise, the arts, etc. Whoops, did I say "the arts"?

For those of you who aren't Portlanders, our city schools are in a sad state of affairs when it comes to the arts. Because of budget cutting--and a portion of the population that seems to think that because it's not using the schools, it shouldn't have to fund them--Portland schools have suffered incredibly in the last several years. Gone are marching bands, art classes, and other vocational and creative outlets for students. Isn't this a mental health concern? Perhaps it is time for those concerned with mental health to take a wider view of things, to see that our entire community produces our mental health. And that to separate people into ill and well separates us rather than leading us towards healing.

What is the mental health of your community? Can you make it better? As a cardboard sign I saw downtown the other day said, "Smile, it feels good."

Sick days

2007-06-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

A study published in the UK today indicates that mental health is the second largest reason for employee absences. Second largest! It is interesting that instead of inquiring into the societal implications of such a finding, there is an immediate emphasis on encouraging individuals to seek treatment.

Seeking treatment is, of course, incredibly important. Even a short course of focused therapy can help immensely in dealing with stress and acute symptoms. But in the same style as the American conversations since the Virginia Tech incident, there is an omnipresent insistence on focusing on "sick individuals" rather than the context in which they live.

So where does one begin to confront the reality of this world, this context?

By taking time for what seems futile: beauty, love, truth.
By striving to be the best person we are able to be.
By being kind.
By recognizing our privileges and our punishments, but neither punishing ourselves or others for them.

We are responsible for this world, we are responsible to each other, and most of all we are responsible to ourselves.

Moscow shootings

2007-05-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

It's confirmed, he was a he. At least all of these incidents are opening up some debate, though it's unfortunate that we seem to be unable to get beyond a black and white view of mental health and illness.

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/05/22/ap3748606.html

The end of May

2007-05-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

Spring in Portland is a funny time, rain one day, bright sun and blue sky the next. We residents ache so much for summer that Spring is really just a tease. But, the roses are coming out and that means that summer can't be too far away.

We tend to associate Spring as a "happy" time, flowers and the like. But it is also a volatile time, a teasing time, and, for some, an instigator of a rise in mental anguish. Here in Oregon, because of a constant decrease in the funding of mental health services, people suffering from chronic mental illness are treated when they become a danger, on an emergency basis. We have lost our way, no longer seeking health, and instead just treating disease.

Below my office window, I can hear a lumbering bus emit fumes that are killing our environment, and commuters honk at one another in the rush to get home. Yet above them silently dance the fresh green leaves of Spring. The interplay of these two realities is the dance of being human. We can't forget, amidst the message that we are inundated with everyday, that we always have the potential to take the higher road and get a better view.